The Complaint Department

Sun Room

2012-01-15T10:56:00.003-05:00

Serendipity. I just noticed the second bedroom in my new apartment has the sun streaming in, a powerful sun, burning me such I was compelled to put on sunscreen. I mean it's not a sunroom. It's a room with a lot of sun.

If I had not put away a bunch of boxes yesterday, I might not have figured out that on an 18 degree day I can sit here in my shorts and get tan. Actually, I don't tan anymore. I get pleasantly pink. Anyway, I have the reggae music channel on and cool beverage in hand. Gosh darn, it must be five o'clock somewhere.

When I tell people what I am paying for this place they gasp.

Today, I feel like I got a little bit more for the money.

A Warm Day in Winter

2012-01-07T13:01:00.003-05:00

I don't know. It's like 50 plus out here today and royally sunny.

The baggy shorts are on. The PVC chair is facing the sun and I am typing these words, what I hope are sunny words 'cause I feel, well, sunny. I am in Jimmy Buffett mode.

I put some Cetaphil on my face because one, I was hoping I to get a little color without burning and two, when I get sun, it just seems to deepen the smile lines. I thought the lotion would help.

Next up is food shopping and later, cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen floor.

Boy is it going to be hard to get out of this chair.

On Being On Time

2012-01-07T12:41:00.002-05:00

Are you fashionably late? Are you like my ex-girlfriend of color on CPT? Colored People's Time? Hey, that's what she called it.

Are you one of those people that are never on time and internally think of it as one of your charming traits? Well, it's not.

I am probably the last generation that was taught etiquette - in school and at home. And one of those lessons was the importance of being on time. Now if you are not of that generation, it doesn't matter. Whether you are my age or just a genteel person brought up correctly, not being on time pisses the rest of us off.

Understand that your perceived charming trait of never being on time can be perceived as a show of power. Power as in no person or no thing is worthy of YOU being someplace at the appointed time.

Really, you show me disrespect when you are not on time. That's what it comes down to.

So to all you divas and other folks who claim that they they would be late to their own funeral, just stop. Be on time. Show me the respect I deserve. Then, I may choose to respect you in return.

And just remember this: You only get one chance to be on time.

Breathless New Year

2012-01-01T11:16:00.010-05:00

2011 was a marathon. The year started for me, like so many Americans, still unemployed and near financial ruin.

I found a job in March as a consultant. Then, I found an even better in-house job at a nearby company. My old commute to the city averaged 1-1/2 hours each way so I was excited and raring to go and work for the local company.

On the first day of work I was sitting in the lobby in my best suit and got a call from the agency that placed me. They told me to go home. Apparently some budget was not approved. First and last day of work. Unemployed again. A mystery. Everybody said sue. You can only do that if you have money. I was 2-3 months away from a zero balance.

The company I consulted for took me back. Why? Another mystery. I had quit. But I was very grateful. So grateful in fact, here I sit in lovely Hicksville, NY, 30 miles closer to my job having moved in November. That is another story. Suffice to say I did so during a horrible cold and with a bad back. Between losing pay while sick and paying top dollar for the movers, I am still physically and financially recovering from that one month later.

If we go back to June, I spent four days in the intensive care unit of a local hospital. I am still recovering from that as well. You tell that to people and they feign concern but I get it. Finally at age 56 it really has been driven home that everyone has their own problems and no one really cares. I mean I always kind of knew that but now it is in my marrow.

You can look up diverticulosis but basically, I lost so much blood I was fighting for my life at one point - even though I didn't know it. You mention that but people do not care. Everyone knows someone who died of cancer, had a heart attack, internal injuries in a car crash... the list goes on. So, besides the point driven home that people don't really give a shit about anything but themselves, I learned a lot from four days in ICU.

One, you can change a bed with the patient still in it.

Two, you can get hypothermia in a 62 degree environment wearing nothing but a see-through flannel hospital gown.

Now ICU nurses are tough. They have seen it all. You can complain you are cold, but once you lose consciousness shivering uncontrollably from the temperature and blood loss, then they put 12 count them 12 blankets on you.

If I may digress a moment - and I will - after arriving at the hospital and after I passed out in the emergency room bathroom I got quite a lot of attention. Fading in and out I remember the door being forced open. Black. On a gurney speeding down a hallway. Black. My eyes weakly opening and seeing the lights above flashing by like white lines on the highway going 75 miles per hour.

During those few moments before I lost consciousness again, I never felt more rested or more at peace. It was, at the time, the greatest sleep in the world. I want that feeling again. I dream about it.

Another thing I learned is that nurses and doctors have to be emotionally hard working in ICU or they would go nuts. They don't even pretend to care - at least the good ones.

I learned that one incompetent nurse can jab you incorrectly so many times with a needle trying to draw blood that screaming and cursing is the only way for it to stop before I am given a sedative and wake up to my entire forearm black and blue. It stayed that way for weeks. I wore long sleeve shirts this past summer.

So I have 12 or so electrodes on my chest attached to a heart monitor pinning down my left arm. I have five IVs going into my right arm. I have plastic casings on my legs that inflate and contract every few seconds to prevent blood clots. I can only sleep in one position - on my back. I am basically in bondage for four days. In a different reality, I might have gotten into that.

Do we have talk about the bed pans?

And then there was the whole endoscopy thing from the top down and then from the bottom up. The preparation for the bottom up procedure is kind of graphic and I had to do it in this 62 degree environment - alone, half-naked, freezing, on a port-a-potty - but again, nobody cares. Hey, I get it.

The takeaway. My takeaway from that experience and this entire year is actually quite substantial.

I don't sweat the small stuff anymore and I do not get angry over petty little slights that people feel like they have to inflict from time to time. I hate to compare myself to a courageous veteran but they once told me, "So OK. The boss has an unreasonable deadline and yelled at me. I used to have bullets flying over my head and saw my buddy blown up. I can handle the boss."

I have the a similar attitude. I basically do not get mad anymore. Nothing phases me.

Example: No road rage for Steve Kontos. I have seen it all on the road. Go ahead, cut me off for no reason and go slower. I may get to work 20 seconds later than I expected. No big deal.

I get deadlines. We'll see what I can do. No worries.

I can get dissed by friends, family and former family alike. No problem.

The landlord acts like all landlords. Predictable. Yes sir. You have a point. Happy New Year Sir. Sorry I was singing to Frank Sinatra last night.

Rental issues aside, right now, right here on January 1, 2012 I am feeling centered, alert and calm. I still get a little peeved when people who haven't seen me in a while comment on the weight I have gained. But then I laugh. I laugh at myself and them for not knowing I have gum disease that has swollen my face. No biggy. Impending oral surgery aside I like the food I make and yes, I am a fat bastard at this time. Got it. I am smiling as I write this.

And the new job... it's a sprint. Constant challenges and deadlines.

Another Breathless New year.

Yes, 2011 was a rough ride. I expect most of 2012 will be as well considering some health issues I still have to conquer. No, I haven't told you everything. But it is going to get better. For you and for me.

I can actually promise that. I feel it.

Joko

2011-11-19T14:43:00.004-05:00

This is the letter to the child I sponsor in Indonesia.

Dear Joko,

I hope this letter finds you and your family feeling well.

It is getting cold here in the United States. We are all getting ready for our USA holiday called Thanksgiving. This is a holiday where we give thanks for all the things we have and our very fortunate way of life. We remember the people that started colonies on the land that is our country. We thank God. We ask Him to continue to bless us. It is a humble day for Americans.

On Thanksgiving we have a big feast with family and friends. We cook all day and eat all night and watch football. Some people like pork, some like Italian food, but most people like turkey for Thanksgiving. It tastes like a wild chicken or pheasant.

Good luck. Best wishes to you and your Dad. I think of you often.

Steve

Yes, we're all entitled to the pursuit of happiness and life, liberty and love.

Sometimes it doesn't always work out that way. Sometimes it's not that simple. You have to want it.

Top Ten Things You Can Count On

2011-11-15T22:38:00.002-05:00

The price of gas will increase.

The turkey will be dry.

The war will continue.

Ex-wives will be ex-wives.

Bosses will be bosses.

There's gonna be lot of snow this year.

I will keep working hard.

I will cancel work or make other arrangements to be with my son.

I will love my daughter.

I will stop making top ten lists... maybe.

Hormones, High School and Cigarettes

2011-10-28T22:51:00.004-04:00

To keep this blog G-rated you'll have to work with me. There will be euphemisms, double-entendre and vague references. Anyway, let's go.

Young men have the ability to go from relaxed to stand at attention in a second. In rare cases, or my case, young men can go from relaxed to explosive in a second... something later in life that makes us sigh... because now, it's not a likely thing.

Diane Amandro and her Puerto Rican friend smoked Marlboro Light 100's at the bus stop every morning. Smoking has always fascinated me, and I think a lot of men, judging by some of the French movies and other things I have seen.

I guess I pretty much just stared for a couple of months watching the exhales when one day Diane came up smiling and put her cigarette to my lips and... explosion. I was very uncomfortable waiting to get to school so I could clean up.

Everyone smoked back then: Teachers, students on the bus, students at the back of the school and even in the school cafeteria.

I remember one scene, looking out the open bus window, where this acne scarred girl blew her smoke up and down this acne scarred boy's face and said, "Did you like that?" He nodded his head and then they kissed for a long time.

Arlene Bergman gave me my first kiss during a gym class teaching us square dancing. Sometime later, before going home, she had her girlfriend light her cigarette and then gave her girlfriend a smoky kiss. She kissed a girl! Awesome stuff for a 14 or 15 year-old. Maybe not today, but back then?

Because she kissed me too, we would, for short, uncomfortable time, sit on the same bus seat together going home. The other girl was jealous. I could tell.

Roberta Leibling smoked but what I remember was her fashion sense. She wanted to be a fashion designer and made some of her own clothes out of neoprene rubber. Our English teacher was fascinated too. Today, not so odd, but back then? One day, Roberta is in this neoprene mini-dress. She forgot her book. We shared my book. Next to her and her perfume, mesmerized by her large, rubber covered breasts laying atop that confining high school desk... is an image burned into my memory forever.

Mrs. Chalmers was Roberta's and my English teacher. If I was 15 she was 25. She was slim and sexy with golden blond hair and I had a huge crush on her. After purchasing the Yearbook, I learned her first name was Gretchen. Teutonic beauty. Paisley print green mini-dress and knee-high green boots. Another imprint.

In class, it became a running joke about her asking me to carry books and supplies back to the teacher's room, and me refusing. Someone else was always recruited. One day she made her request so embarrassing, I had to comply.

There were some nasty stares as teacher and student entered the sanctuary for teachers only. The door opened... wall of cigarette smoke. Oh my God! Teachers smoke!

We enter her cubicle. She closes the door. She lights a Salem 100 and envelops me in smoke. She is smiling. I got nervous and split.

Patti Nolan. We shared a Social Studies class. Everything she wore was tight, including a shiny, wet-look, chocolate brown blouse. And the matching glossy boots. I would not have known about fetish back then, but I had my introduction.

Cigarette torture on the bus. I had two ladies - who I learned later liked me - made a big flourish lighting their cigs and made sure I got every exhale. As I think back, this had to be like a big seductive technique back in the 70's.

Two other ladies - twins - just like to torture me if the only seat was the seat in front of them. Newport 100's, hot exhales on the back of my neck. If I turned around to complain... smoke in my face with laughter.

I was on the fencing team. I was injured but showed team spirit sitting in the stands watching practice. The coach, Mrs. Cakouris walks off the court into the stands, sits next to me and lights a Parliament.

I was kind of shocked. First, a teacher smoking next to student, in the gym... and the she gets me to escort her into the boys locker room after I made sure no one was in there. I was never what that was all about. But someone else came in and we left.

Outside of school there were other encounters with older women. With age and perspective on my side, I understand being full adult height starting at age 13 and being able to grow facial hair might have confused some people.

Interview with Gordon Ramsay

2011-10-08T09:50:00.007-04:00

As a freelancer for the Long Island Press...

If I may digress immediately - and I will - the Long Island Press used to be huge. They were a competitor of Newsday, the most popular Long Island paper. Believe me, I know. I used to deliver the Suffolk Sun at age 12 and envied those Long Island Press and Newsday kids.

Back on point:

Frankly, they were better papers. But we were the first with colored front pages, kind of like USA Today. This was back in the 70's. But, I digress.

Anyway, the foul-mouthed but talented Chef Ramsay was camped up in a mega-trailer in Queens recently, working on another episode of Kitchen Nightmares.

If you did not know, this series is about failing restaurants that reach out to Gordon with their story, pleading for help and he helps. Simple, right? But it is very entertaining. The show airs Fridays on FOX, but it is almost a throwaway. I have never seen a promotion by FOX.

SK: Chef. Here you are in Whitestone to help a failing restaurant. What does this show mean to you?

GR: Wow. Right off the bat. Big question. I am passionate about this show.This show is about... chefs and owners - who have lost their focus... who have lost their passion... and it is - whether they realize it or not - killing them... and their business... their labor of love. And we want to help. That's basically it.

SK: You do good work on this show. Most times, the chefs or owners are in denial about what is wrong with their failing businesses. Single-handedly, you perform this miraculous and emotional intervention, getting them to change.

I think it's a gift. How did you learn this?

GR: You don't learn that. I'm an impatient, direct fuck.

When it comes to this business... I am just so passionate. If I can help, I will.

It's a pretty simple. So many restaurants screw up royally. Kitchen standards and quality ingredients prepared right, never go out of style.

SK: Has this been a tough stay in New York?

GR: Fuck, yeah.

SK: I know a place that has the best crispy crust pizza. Can I buy you a slice at Cascarino's?

GR: Wow. OK. Can we do that? . Yes?

SK: Yes Chef.

GR: Done. Let's go.

Long Island South Shore Versus North Shore

2011-10-05T20:22:00.002-04:00

The Island of Long is split down the middle literally, by the glacial moraine, and by lifestyle and disposable income. Here is a random list of differences between South Shore and North Shore.

North Shore: Cedar shakes.
South Shore: Aluminum siding.

North Shore: Heated, in-ground pool.
South Shore: Above ground pool.

North Shore: Landscaper.
South Shore: Push mower.

North Shore: Zagat rated restaurants.
South Shore: All American Burger and some great pizza.

North Shore: Bankers, lawyers and doctors.
South Shore: Tradesmen, shift supervisors and hourly workers.

North Shore: Monogrammed shirts.
South Shore: Jets jerseys.

North Shore: Estates with names.
South Shore: Lots with numbers.

North Shore: Whole Foods and Trader Joe's
South Shore: Pathmark and Waldbaums

North Shore: Rallye BMW, Mercedes and Lexus.
South Shore: Atlantic Auto Mall Nissan, Audi and Hyundai.

North Shore: Hey, Chaz!
South Shore: Yo, Charlie!

North Shore: Equestrian training.
South Shore: Train the damn dog.

North Shore: Sail boats.
South Shore: Power boats.

North Shore: Rocky beaches.
South Shore: Sandy beaches.

North Shore: Leather pants.
South Shore: Latex leggings.

North Shore: Security system.
South Shore: Shotgun.

North Shore: Tree lined roads.
South Shore: Grass lined roads.

North Shore: Private schools.
South Shore: Public schools with metal detectors.

North Shore: Expensive gas.
South Shore: Cheap gas.

I'm a South Shore kind of guy.

The Phone

2011-09-23T04:45:00.002-04:00

I have a slight phobia. I don't like to talk on the phone.

Too all my friends and colleagues, if the phone doesn't ring.. it's me.

Birth

2011-09-18T10:34:00.005-04:00

I had my buddy all day yesterday. Today I miss him.

I got to thinking about when he was born. I am wearing the same shirt I wore then. I wondered what he would say if I told him that.

I know what he would say. This subject fascinates him. He would say, "Daddy, how was I born?" and how the hell does someone respond to that?

Then I began thinking about birth. You are in this 98.6 degree, perfectly dark, liquid, weightless environment and suddenly appear in a 60 degree operating theater with lights as bright as the sun. It is cold and dry and you experience your full weight for the first time. A doctor forces your lips open and uses an aspirator - lips that have been pursed for nine months. Air enters your lungs for the first time and it must hurt. Cold air, the chest expands and now you cry and wail. Vocal chords that have never been used are used to the utmost and that must hurt too. It starts and endless cycle of pain and crying.

This brutal thrust into the world is not over. From an environment where all you heard was a flowing river of rushing blood and the steady thump-thump of Mommy's heart, now there are stainless steel metal instruments being dropped into stainless steel trays and doctors talking about their vacation and nurses discussing last night's date while all the monitors beeping.

Not over yet. They punch needles in to take blood and put burning drops into your new eyes. They push and probe and pinch to test reflexes, or whatever the heck they are testing. Bright lights into the eyes. Probes into ears, nose and throat. It's not a rude welcome, as some have written. It is an unnecessary and harsh awakening.

The human touch: After they weighed my naked son on freezing cold scale, he was wrapped up and I was waved over to hold him. "Buddy, it will be alright. It will be all right. I love you Chris. I love you Christopher. Mommy's here. Let's go see Mommy."

And then I wondered: Does this type of rude awakening mold us in some way? Are we better for it? Does it make us stronger? Does it make us aggressive? Does it make us more ready for what reality has in store?

What would people be like if they were born naturally in a quiet and warm pool, with Mozart playing low and sweet in the background? Would that be better or worse?

Post 9/11

2011-09-11T20:18:00.005-04:00

It was the damnedest thing I ever saw. Less than a month after the terrorist attacks, I'm watching the ballgame to escape reality for a couple of hours. The man with the voice they called the "Voice of God", Bob Sheppard, started with the usual "Ladies and gentlemen..." and then startled everyone announcing, "Please welcome, the President of the United States."

Out of the Yankees dugout struts George W. Bush. I mean he was struttin' like Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever. The Stadium, as Yankee fans refer to it, was the loudest anyone has ever heard. I've been there. When it gets that loud, the stadium shakes. You can actually see the light towers sway.

When it could not possibly get louder, the President gave the crowd an enthusiastic thumbs up. Then it really got loud.

He was there for the third game of the World Series to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. He was wearing an FDNY jacket. I'll be damned again if he didn't throw a perfect strike from the mound.

We saw the security at the gates and the snipers on the roof of Yankee Stadium. Even then Mayor Giuliani said it was the most nervous he had ever been.

Say what you will about GW, but this was the gutsiest thing I ever saw.

Beer

2011-09-10T09:10:00.006-04:00

I used to be a wine snob. Susan, you can keep that coffee table book on wine. I won't be needing it.

After some GI tract issues, wine is not something I can consume on a regular basis. I will always love you 1985 Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon Reserve. Thank you Bob Jonke.

Today we talk about beer - not based on any particular expertness - but based on memories and feelings. Here are some favorites.

Genesee Cream Ale aka Genny Cream. I first had this in the 70's. It was recommended by a crazy Canadian guy who was my co-worker. He looked like a young Santa Claus. Yes, he was jolly. Except for Harry, he was the funnest guy I worked with at Comtech.

Molson Ale. A Canadian beer also recommended by the crazy Canadian. At the time, it was one of the first really full-flavored, hoppy beers being marketed in the states.

Brooklyn Monster Ale. Fermented like wine, the alcohol content in this limited your intake to two glasses. Delicious. At the restaurant, after the second glass I said to my friend, "Larry, why is the room spinning?"

Corona. Le cerveza mas fina. Dos Corona, por favor? This is an ordinary beer. Push in a wedge of lime? Transformed.

Red Stripe. I first had this beer in Negril on my honeymoon. It is a malty, flavorful, consistently good beer. Post divorce, even one sip starts a cascade of memories.

Carib. I enjoyed this beer in St. Lucia at LeSport Resort. It is a perfectly refreshing beer made for a hot day in the Caribbean. You see that shadow picture of me in this blog? What you can't see is a Carib beer in my right hand!

Grolsch. This is a Dutch beer. This is the one with the bottle cap in metal bondage. This is usually the most expensive beer in the aisle. And, for good reason.

Rolling Rock. This is usually one of the cheapest beers in the aisle. Ice cold on a hot day nothing is more refreshing. I think this is what Budweiser and Coors strive to be like. I like that Rock beer.

If I may digress a moment - and I will - all my co-workers from Military Car Sales were at dinner. Our British colleague from across the pond was with us. We asked him what he thought of the best selling beer in America. His response was, "It's a bit thin."

Fosters. I used to love having one of those oil cans in the backyard on a summer weekend. Now, not so much. What happened to that nutty taste I remember? I think it has become the Budweiser of Australia, mate.

Blue Point Toasted Lager. This stuff gives Sam Adams a run for its money. This is a micro-brew from Long Island, about three miles from where I live. It is good, damn good. They charge an arm and a leg for it though. It's not THAT good.

Sam Adams Boston Lager. If you drink beer, this is your staple. Yes, the Oktoberfest is good as are some of the other "flavored" beers. But I am like Dennis Leary. You can keep the honey wheat and the pumpkin spice. Just give me that beer flavored beer.

Guinness Stout. I have enjoyed a lovely pint all over the world. Fish and chips and a Guinness that took five minutes to pour at a hole-in-the-wall pub on the West End.

It was good then. It's better remembering it now.

Saturday Morning Flip

2011-08-06T07:29:00.006-04:00

Early morning TV programming is eclectic at best. Oh sure, there are plenty of infomercials like the one for the Total Gym featuring the late, great Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has actually been dead for five years, but the Grim Reaper is just too scared to tell him.

If I may digress for a moment - and I will - do you like how I weaved an internet phenomena and subject of previous posts into this one? Damn I'm good. Geez, try to explain this one to my crazy Russian boss. "Chuck Norris not dead. Why you say this?"

Jillian Michaels - the "toughest personal trainer in the world" - And judging by her musculature and deep voice, I believe we can thank testosterone supplementation for that body, not the Nordic Trak.

This is Bev Francis, former professional bodybuilder. I met her. Today, a sweet, petite old lady who owns a kick-ass gym in Syosset, NY. Back in the day, her spokespeople would say she was just a freak of nature who did 500 pound deadlifts. I think we all know better. Hear that Jillian? But, I digress again.

Oh look, there is the actor that played Eddy Haskell on the 60's show, "Leave It to Beaver." He was selling something. If you know "Eddy Haskell" I am sure you're as old as me and the commercial was for reverse mortgages, life insurance or medical alert alarm systems. I flipped past. Geez, this guy looked liked death warmed over a can of sterno.

Christ, look at that: Edgar Winter selling Verizon phones and services. Come on and take a free ride to the old folks home buddy. Like Keith Richards, I believe Edgar Winter has died - but nobody told him.

DirecTV has a new commercial with the refrains of Buffalo Springfield in the background.

"Stop Children" was the seminal song of the 60's that changed this country in a profound way and I believe, eventually got us out of the war in Vietnam: A war we couldn't win... kind of like today.

This is sacrilege.

Whoever owns the rights to Buffalo Springfield's music let me just say this, quoting the great Carnak, "The Magnificent": "May the sewers of Rangoon back up into your breakfast."

"Hey ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

More Chuck Norris Facts

2011-07-20T02:40:00.006-04:00

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up - he pushes the world down.

There never were steroids in baseball, only players Chuck Norris breathed on.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he roundhouse kicks the cows until butter comes out.

In a popular video game, no matter what buttons the player pressed, Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick. When asked about the glitch he replied, "That was no glitch."

Chuck Norris once nailed jelly to a tree.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he only provides a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.

Chuck Norris can do pinky pull-ups.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris sued NBC claiming "Law and Order" are the trademarked names for his left and right legs.

They wanted to put Chuck Norris' face on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.

Chuck Norris died recently. Death is too scared to tell him.

The Break Up

2011-07-15T23:29:00.002-04:00

Everything she wanted, was not possible. Everything she needed, was not really needed. Everything we were... is gone.

Words and Music

2011-07-15T23:23:00.005-04:00

"Like the Deserts Miss the Rain", by E verything But the Girl, as a newlywed, moving into my new house - my first house.

"Every Time You Go" by Paul Young, while it was on the radio, while analyzing a computer problem in Accounts Receivable, at a now defunct company, at the desk of a girl who wore these tight blue, vinyl jeans.

I sang to the song while I was doing my thing. Vinyl Girl said, "Wow, a singing programmer!"

I impressed her, but nothing happened. She had a boyfriend who raced Cigarette boats, whatever they are. No chance.

"Every Day I Have the Blues", by Latimore, at a house party, thinking about my hostess.

"Rocky Mountain High", by John Denver, wondering if this degree in Environmental Science will ever pan out.

"Butterfly Kisses", by Bob Carlisle, wondering if all that I done wrong, well maybe, just maybe, I did something right.

"Quarter to Three", sung by Frank Sinatra, all alone, with my best friend, late at night, in a bad place.

"If You Could Read My Mind", by Gordon Lightfoot, contemplating my first breakup.

"Send in the Clowns", sung by Frank Sinatra, words and music by Stephen Sondheim, contemplating my second breakup.

Gee, was that only nine? Okay, number ten:

"Would That Make U Love", by Robin Thicke, a talented artist, from deep musical roots, who sings the songs Michael Jackson should be singing, but of course he (Michael) can't.

I put this on when I need energy.

It's funky, hooky and pure pop. It's poppy. But, you didn't hear it from me.

Why is it that words and music can evoke such powerful feelings?

I know.

It's been asked a thousand times before.

Good Burger

2011-07-15T22:02:00.003-04:00

Walking to the beach there was this incredible grilled beef smell from the local burger shack. The beach is Corey Beach. The shack is named Flo's.

Going back to the car, freak it, I'm gettin' a burger. Hmmmm. Let's see, The burger - no mention of size - is $4.50. Oh, and it's a 100% beef charbroiled burger. You know, whenever I see a 100% guaranteed anything, I become a little leary. I decided to double my money and go to the local market and get the best ground beef I could find and make my own burger.

For about $8.00, I got 1-1/4 pounds of free-range, organic, vegetarian fed beef. Seasoned with salt, pepper, Old Bay, Worcestshire and honey BBQ sauce... fried at high heat until bloody (and then it continued to cook while resting until medium rare)... topped with wafer-thin onion slices and tomato... Wow!

Sorry Flo.

Karma

2011-07-06T22:06:00.002-04:00

Let's see, in the last couple of months I have: Lost a job on the first day of work because of "budget reasons"; spent four days in a hospital ICU because of an extreme case of diverticulosis; had my car vandalized; had my GPS stolen; been told multiple root canals are necessary... well, I just know that Good Karma (capitalized please) is right around the corner.

It's like that old joke about a kid on Christmas morning who sees this big pile of horse crap. Optimist that I am, I say, "There's got to be a pony under there!"

ICU Part 2

2011-07-05T22:44:00.003-04:00

I am back, but not really. Still weak. What is diverticulosis anyway?

It's hard to explain. I want to go more... I want to move more...

I want to work out more. Not sure if I can right now. Not liking this.

One day at a time.

ICU

2011-07-03T23:14:00.004-04:00

I was in ICU for a week. Still standing.

I'm tougher than some think.

Hello.

Glen Campbell

2011-07-03T20:56:00.004-04:00

We got some bad news about Glenn Campbell recently. He's not doing well. Alzheimer's.

He might want us to remember how he could tell a story in song, and how he could do it with effortless grace. He's still kickin' though and fufilling obligations to perform - but that is coming to an end.

If I may digress for a moment - and I will - what is it about musicians? They will keep playing until they die and if it happens on stage, all the better.

Gordon Lightfoot comes to mind - Sundown, Ever I Saw Your Face, Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - was in a coma for six weeks due to an aneurism. He had a tracheotomy. He was back touring in about a year. After that, he suffered a stroke but was back touring a couple of weeks later.

I remember seeing BB King being pushed out in a wheelchair at Old Westbury. Diabetes. As far as I know, he will still make the occasional studio session or appearance.

For whatever reason, Glen Campbell was the butt of a lot of ribbing (good natured?) on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Glen was country. Johnny, even though a Nebraska boy, was a wannabe Rat Packer. No matter. He took it over the line. The high-pitched, "High, I'm Glen Campbell" was usually the punchline to a gay-centric joke. The public voiced their disapproval.

If you are old enough to remember it did get personal. Because of critics, the beloved Carson did invite Glen to the Tonight Show - for reconciliation. I remember watching and being uncomfortable.

Johnny did the same thing to Wayne Newton and there was another uncomfortable "reconciliation" show with the Las Vegas legend.

Johnny Carson, homophobe? Who knows. But the facts say he did in fact marry three women that looked identical with eerily similar names - Jody, Joan, Joanna; smoked himself to death by cancer; was a recluse - but I digress again.

Glen Campbell. God Bless.

The Wichita Lineman. He's still on the line.

Words and Music

2011-06-05T20:33:00.001-04:00

39 years. OMG as they say.

I Remember When - Part 4

2011-05-29T18:37:00.004-04:00

I think it's part 4. Damn it Jim, I'm just a crummy blog writer, I'm not an English professor.

If I may make an aside - and I will - I think a lot of people would agree with the last statement, especially since being an English professor presumes a knowledge of, well... you know.

OK. Back on point.

I remember when...

...the whole town left home to attend the Memorial Day parade.

...penny candy was, well, a penny. We kids ate like kings and the dentists loved us.

...working at MacDonald's was actually considered a career path for well-educated, native-born Americans.

...vacuum tube stereos played Dave Brubeck, Oscar Peterson and Thelonius Monk in a warm, personal way.

...we were in a war we could not win, at least to anyone's satisfaction - kind of like today.

...we had a President voted in on a wave of change and then we regretted it - kind of like today.

...phone numbers had colorful exchanges like Juniper 8 and Murray Hill 7.

...if you were a veteran, you could by a house for $15,000.

...the crooks were bank robbers and embezzlers, not banks and CEO's.

...every deli had chopped liver.

...I had one chin.

I remember when.

Bill

2011-05-29T18:24:00.002-04:00

Like most combat vets back then, Bill was only 19 or 20 fighting for his country and his life in the jungles and villages of Vietnam. A bullet paralyzed him from the waist down changing his life, and the life of his wife and family forever.

I remember the prognosis was not good as his health continued to deteriorate over the years. When I saw him last, Bill was very gaunt and he looked weak. He had to stop for breathers as he did his daily wheelchair laps around the neighborhood.

Fast-forward six years and I am back in the old neighborhood and there is Bill, rolling at a nice clip and dang if he doen't have a pot belly and a little bit of a tan. As we used to do, I saluted him and he nodded thanks.

No. Thank you Bill.

Bucket List

2011-05-28T22:13:00.004-04:00

It's not that I want to see Jimmy Buffett in concert before I die, I want to see him in concert before he dies.

Let's see, he crashed his sea plane off Nantucket... fell off the stage in Australia this year...

Give me another year Jimbo... hang in there.

Nibblin' on spongecake, watchin' the sun bake...

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/01/27/3122985.htm

Unexpected

2011-05-27T02:31:00.002-04:00

The door crashes blamelessly ajar... and there you are.

Cilantro

2011-05-26T21:02:00.002-04:00

I grow cilantro. I like cilantro. I didn't always.

When you pick off a leaf and taste it, the bitterness - almost soapiness - is a turn off. That's not how you enjoy cilantro.

Because of the assertive bitterness, you pair it with salty, spicy and luscious foods like salsa, chili, a cheesy, butter fried omelette with tomatos and onions or even a beef stew - carne guisado to you gringos.

When paired, the power-packed greenie-ness of the cilantro compliments any hardy dish.

Cilantro is Mexican parsley. Unlike parsley, it packs more punch. Any hardy - or even hearty recipe you have that calls for parsley - try cilantro.

Chicken Chili II

2011-05-21T20:27:00.002-04:00

It came out good.

White onions, orange peppers, yellow peppers, kidney beans, grilled corn, chopped up roasted chicken, jalapeno, garlic, olive oil, salt, black pepper, chili powder, cumin powder, chopped tomatos and love.

Garnish with jack cheese, fresh cilantro and a squeeze of lime juice. Maybe even a dab of Greek yogurt. Go crazy.

Dinner... done.

I live to cook. I love to cook.

The Way of Driving

2011-05-21T18:21:00.002-04:00

If you do something for 40 years you get pretty good at it - if you are serious about it.

I am an excellent driver. I take driving seriously. Long commutes are draining because I am always in focus, looking out for the other guy.

Except for a minor fender-bender in a parking lot where the other guy was looking at a pretty girl to his left instead of straight ahead - I have never had an accident. Now that I have jinxed myself, I will continue.

Like an aged martial arts master, I can anticipate what other people are doing on the road. Sometimes I am wrong. A lot of times I am right.

I am not sure what it it is but I can tell when the person ahead is going to change lanes - even when they don't signal. Here on Long Island, not signaling is the norm. Maybe it's a glance to the side view mirror, but I know a lane change is in progress.

I am very aware of the agressive drivers. You can't miss them and I avoid them. I see them coming from behind changing lanes aggressively and I move over to the right.

I am aware of passive-agressive drivers who like to dominate the left-hand lane and slow down when you come too close and speed up when you try to pass. Or, they change to the middle lane and go faster than they did in the left-hand lane. I don't get it... but I am aware of it.

I can sense when people are going to turn even though they don't signal. There must be some visual cues I pick up on, but I can't quantify it.

I drive 30,000 miles a year. No accidents. 40 years.

I am an excellent driver.

Chicken Chili

2011-05-21T17:45:00.003-04:00

I love the old time recipes that began with something like...

Elk Steak

First, kill an Elk...

Today I am making chicken chili... instead of the usual ground turkey or beef chili.

First, roast a whole chicken...

I'll let you know how it turns out. It's smelling good, even outside where I write this. Plus, when you roast a whole chicken you have the option of making delicious chicken stock.

I am making delicious chicken stock too.

Meat Sweat

2011-05-19T21:15:00.004-04:00

At the supermarket, I walked past the family case and noticed these three New York Strip Steaks sealed in plastic on a styrofoam rectangle.

It's the supermarket. Expectations are low. But, the marbling on these bad boys was incredible. These fine spiderweb threads of white permeated the meat. And let's face it, New York Strip is one of the tastiest cuts you can get. To get it a little fatty like a Porterhouse... fuhgeddaboutit.

No marinade. No rub. We went with Kosher salt and coarsley ground mixed pepper corns and fried these puppies in some bacon grease in a cast iron skillet at high heat.

The topping was some white onions sauteed in butter until brown. Beef and onions... the perfect marriage... unlike a couple of mine.

If you make this, let the steak rest for a good five minutes. Then dig in.

I made a salad with this meal to pretend to be healthy.

It was cooked perfectly pink on the inside - juicy and delicious. Halfway through the second steak, I started sweating - the meat sweats. Sweat is popping out on my forehead and I got this lightheaded feeling. I kept slicing and eating.

Good feeling. Good steak.

Arrrrrrrrrr!

Osama Bin Laden

2011-05-06T22:42:00.003-04:00

Years ago, I always would ask with dark humor, why we could not locate a 6'5" Arab with a headdress on kidney dialysis. Working for a drug company that sold dialysis drugs... "just follow the dialysis trail", I would say.

Well, we got him. We got Osama Bin laden. We got him living in a local Pakistani mansion with high walls that attracted attention from locals and visitors alike. He was living there for six years. Our intelligence community could not find him... until now. Kind of sad, actually. Everybody in the town knew who was living there.

Navy Seals shot an unarmed Bin Laden in his home and dumped his body at sea.

Osama Bin Laden was a war criminal. Make no mistake about it. But even the Nazi's were captured and brought to trial. And we would have learned so much more interrogating him.

I hold no great joy in how he met his demise and how some Americans celebrated jumping up and down shouting, "USA... USA... USA."

Can't we just have concluded, "mission accomplished."

Thanks, President Bush. And you too President Obama.

Diapers

2011-05-04T22:43:00.004-04:00

Most people would not wax nostalgic about changing diapers, but I saw my six year-old tonight and I know he gets a kick out of the old man, and I get a kick out of him. And that made me think about changing his diaper when he was baby... follow me here... which was an activity he hated, and to make it better, I would sing Frank Sinatra to him.

"I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all,
but I get a kick, out of you."

"Witchcraft" was also on the hit parade.

"Those fingers in my hair,
that sly, come hither stare,
that strips my conscience bare,
it's witchcraft."

And those late, sleepy nights, holding him in the darkness gently rocking and whispering sweet nothings until he fell asleep, are some of the best nights of my life.

Soccer

2011-05-02T23:34:00.003-04:00

You have to be running at speed but, understand, you have to control the right pass. It's nill nill.

It's Manchester United versus Arsenal. The crowd is singing... singing! The stakes are high. It's wild and physical. These two teams... I feel it's personal too.

I'm pulling for Arsenal.

Here we go.

Heeeeeeeeeerrrrre weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gooooooooooooooo.

Easter Service

2011-04-24T20:44:00.002-04:00

Today at Easter service, the pasteur compared lies and deceit to the work of the devil. Anyone who tells lies and deceives are disciples of the devil. Anyone who agrees or supports those lies - directly or otherwise - are the devil. For good measure, he threw in "spin-meisters" which, as he explained, include most politicians.

He went on to single out President Obama for being a politician and for praising a radical book from the seventies that was dedicated to Lucifer - Lucifer, aka Satan, as being the first true radical... who was so good at what he did... captured his own kingdom.

It was indirect and lost on most of the parishoners. However, here in Steve Kontos-land, I found that objectionable and pulled my son out of there... and because my son was begging to leave there anyway. Maybe he groks BS as well as I do. Chip off of the old block.

"Daddy, can we leave now?"

"You bet, buddy."

Opening Day

2011-04-01T00:13:00.002-04:00

It's how we measure time. It's a sign of Spring. Baseball is back.

The Stadium: You walk out of the tunnel into the light... it's a birth of sorts... and there's the field... the greenest grass you ever saw.

There are the players. They have the look of eagles. They can do things we wish we could.

Some timely hits, great middle relief from the bullpen and the Great One, Mariano River closing it out in the ninth. Today, the Yankees won. The Yankees won.

Michael

2011-03-26T22:29:00.003-04:00

Say what you will, this guy could entertain.

Red Pepper Hummus

2011-03-21T20:05:00.004-04:00

Red Pepper Hummus

1 15.5 oz can of garbonzo beans (chickpeas)
1/4 cup sesame seeds
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1/4 to 1/2 cup roasted red peppers (more or less as desired)
Kalamata olives, sliced cucumber, tomatoes, parsley, pepperoncini for garnish

Drain the garbonzo beans, thoroughly.

Roast the sesame seeds, enough to cover the bottom of a 9 inch pan, until golden brown.

Grind the toasted seeds into a powdery paste. I have a mortar and pestle. You may have a spice grinder to do the job. You could substitute a meat hammer with a blunt face to do the grinding. Or, buy Tahini Paste from a specialty store or gourmet market. Tahini paste is made from roasted sesame seeds.

Add the beans, the sesame paste, olive oil, lemon juice and roasted red pepper to a food processor or blender. Blend until smooth.

If you use the roasted red peppers from a jar (perfectly acceptable) please note, they are marinated in vinegar and garlic. So, you will want to use less lemon and and less garlic. Squeeze out and rinse off as much of the vinegar from the red pepper as you can.

Plate the hummus with kalamata olives, sliced cucumber, ripe grape tomatos, whole pepperoncini peppers, chopped fresh parsley, garbonzo beans - any or all of the above.

Serve with flatbread or pita that has been heated in a pan with a little olive oil.

This might not be Middle Eastern authentic, but that's the way we do it NY style.

Shoreham Nuclear Power Plant

2011-03-21T10:06:00.004-04:00

I worked at the Shoreham Nuclear Power Plant on Long Island in the early 80's. The news from Japan is dire and made me think back to those days.

I was a temp. I was non-union. I worked in the MT&E section which I believe stood for Meter, Test and Electronics or Meter, Test and Equipment. My job was to keep track of digital (and some analog) measuring equipment like Fluke volt-ohm meters, signing them out to technicians in the morning and making sure we got them back by the end of the day. I kept them charged too. I even learned how to calibrate the equipment so my union boss could take his naps. Right there, think about some young kid with no experience calibrating equipment to be used by technicians in the reactor control room.

If I may digress - and I will - I actually saw the control room. That it was laid out like the bridge of the starship Enterprise is a tribute to the creators of that series, or to the power plant designers who saw the show growing up.

I actually got a chance to take a peak - even though I shouldn't have been allowed to - at the reactor pool in the core. It was just a glimpse through girders and scaffolding. All I remember was that unnatural blue glow that could only mean this was something man-made.

What a place. Construction workers pulling beers out of their over-sized, metal lunch pails, asleep on girders, cursing everything and anything. This was where I learned to swear with flair. They actually would teach me things like, "If somebody you don't know asks you what time it is, you say, it's three effin thirty. What do I look like, Big effin Ben?"

So, I actually said that one time and got a big roar of approval from the workers. Unfortunately, it was to a plant supervisor. He asked me who my shop steward was and I said I wasn't union. He couldn't touch me.

To be fair when it was so obvious based on the empty beer cans and booze bottles in the construction areas, memos came out and you didn't see that again - even though the workers may just taken the time to throw out their trash.

Security was tight too. It took awhile to get into and out of the facility, so much so we had to brown bag it. By the time you got out, picked up a lunch and came back, lunch hour was over.

You had to brown bag a feast beacuse at one point we were forced to work 12 hour days and 8-10 hours on Saturday. When you work 7 to 7, you're essentially giving up dinner. We would all have three or four sandwiches packed. Occasionally, someone would make a pizza run or a Chinese food run just to eleviate the boredom.

Boredom. That is what I remember most about my job at Shoreham. Maintenance and calibration of the equipment was on a monthly schedule and my union boss and I worked pretty hard the first few days of the month and after that we literally had nothing to do.

There weren't too many ways to alleviate boredom. We had this file cabinet filled with porn magazines. After the second time through, you really didn't care. We read the daily paper, back to front, starting with the sports. We would talk sports. We would talk about anything really: how he got into the business; his family in Ohio; my past; my family. A lot of the time we napped.

One of those weird out of boredom converstations was about Muhammad Ali. I happened to mention that Ali's left jab was timed in five one-hundreths of a second. Now my boss was was like Cliff Claven, the postal worker on the old sit com Cheers. He knew a little about everything. He said it was physiologically impossible. He told me to take one of the (then) state-of-the-art, digital stopwatches and try to click it twice - as fast as I could. After some practice, I was able to register 0.0500 - five one-hundreths of a second. He then explained, that's about as fast as the human nervous system and muscles could function. To suggest that Ali could actually move his fist from his shoulder to full extension in that period of time was just impossible. My first reaction was come on, this is Muhammad Ali and then, maybe he's right.

I am glad they never finished Shoreham. At one time, I did all the reading I could on the subject and believe then as I believe now: There is no such thing as a safe nuclear power plant. They get old. They wear out. They are the target of sabotage internally or terrorist attacks externally. Fires happen. Accidents happen. When that happens in an oil fired plant, it's a big deal. It's a bigger deal when radioactive material is involved.

And then there are the three nuclear plants at Indian Point, NY. One reactor is almost 50 years old and all three sit near a fault line. Try to imagine if what happened in Japan happened near Tokyo instead of in a rural, coastal region. Imagine the consequences of a runaway reactor in the New York metro area. Worst case scenario? Thousands dead, thousands more injured, perhaps millions exposed to some dose of radioactivity. Hundred of thousands lose their jobs. The lights go out in New York City and the economy is devastated.

Is it worth the risk? Solar, wind and wave enerygy is too expensive they say. How expensive is the prospect of millions sick, dying or dead, and the country in a depression?

Sketches of a Laundromat

2011-03-15T21:35:00.005-04:00

Laundry in the washers. Did I use too much soap? Lots of suds. Get my PC from the car to do some work. Free WiFi. One of my washers starts squeaking - loudly.

A foreign couple comes in shouting at each other in a strange language. His cellphone ringer is a loud drumroll that goes off every two or three minutes.

The TV on the wall is loud and we get to learn about new horrors in Japan at 97 decibels.

Proprietress' son comes in and they immediately start an argument over which college he should, but wants to go to. Harvard, Yale and USC are in the mix. I guess the laundry business has good profit margins.

The argument continues in Taiwanese and in English as I, three feet away, try to keep writing my program.

If I may digress a moment - and I will - what sort of people have an argument in front of a stranger three feet away? The owner's cubicle is behind the front desk. Why sit out with the trash like me?

More people have come in and the sound of 20 washers and CNN make me wish I had headphones.

Now a guy that looks like he's from a homeless shelter, with an extremely loud voice and an air of superiority walks over and goes on a diatribe about how young kids may have the technology but not the wisdom of people his age. Kids are all the same. On and on. Thank goodness. I can load the dryer now.

I get back, he's still insulting the genius kid about how little real smarts he really has. I pack up the computer and walk over to Subway for a sandwich.

Time to fold. Now he's chatting up a couple of young women, one third his age. Oh, he's been a Marine, oh how it broke his Mother's heart, oh he was a boxer, oh how he's proud his son's a boxer and oh by the way, his sister gave birth last night...

I stopped folding my clothes and just started shoving things into the bag as fast as I could before my soul was sucked totally dry by this drunk, obnoxious, lying, loudmouth.

Sorry Jackie and Michelle Chin. I will not come back to your laundromat. The one near me is a block away and I can load my clothes and go home.

A Hop, a Jump and a Skip

2011-03-07T14:48:00.005-05:00

Another great weekend with my six year-old son. We don't often have sleepovers, but when we do, it's a party. Him being in private school (with homework for kindergartners), being in numerous afterschool and evening activities, I am glad he can decompress a little with his Dad. How do I know when Chris is happy? He hops, skips and jumps to every destination. Ok, maybe I saw him walk once.

God is My Sous Chef

2011-03-04T21:44:00.006-05:00

Not true, but I thought that was a catchy title. Inspiration can come out of the blue and you wonder how and why.

Following recipes is good, but it doesn't mean you can cook. It's like Chemistry Lab 101. This week, I threw away the cookbook.

I like rice and beans but my son hates them. So how about rice, cooked in chicken stock and combined with peas, some finely chopped red onion and smoked sausage?

"Is that it?"

"Yes Chris. You have everything there: Meat, vegetables and rice."

Gosh darn if he didn't eat all the sausage, all the rice and left 22 peas on the plate.

Chicken thighs are cheap and flavorful. What to do? OK, let's get the big pot. Chop celery, onions and carrots, add them to the pot. Season the thighs with plenty of salt and pepper. Sear them in a hot skillet basically for the color. Put the thighs on top of the veggies. Add chicken stock, herbs (bay leaves, thyme, sliced garlic, sage) and white wine. Have enough liquid in the pot so it comes just about halfway up the thighs. Bring to a boil and simmer for 1-1/2 to 2 hours.

Remove the chicken and set aside. Cover with foil to keep warm. Meanwhile, strain the cooking liquid and simmer in a saucepan to reduce. While that's happening, slice up porcini mushrooms, season and sautee in butter. Add the mushrooms to the simmering saucepan. Reduce the liquid down until you have a nice mushroom gravy. A little bit of flour will speed up the process.

Near the end of the reduction process, broil the chicken to crisp the skin. Plate with the mushroom gravy on the bottom, the cheesy polenta on top of that and then the braised, broiled chicken with the crispy skin.

I never made polenta before. I never worked with porcinis. The dark brown color of the gravy I assume came from the black ribs inside the porcini. It all turned out great. Maybe the best meal I have had in a few years, and... I made it!

Today I made fried shrimp and grits with a lemon-garlic sauce. Not bad.

For tomorrow's side dish, how about a lentil salad with onion puree, cucumber, celery and tomato with some exotic spices?

I have heard professional chefs exclaim cheese and fish do not go together. How about a flounder stuffed with spinach and feta coated with a butter-lemon sauce? I am going to make that this weekend. As Cary Grant once said, "Might I persuade you?"

Cooking for me is a great release and very relaxing. If you can cook well, you eat like a king (or a queen) and you have this inner sense that you can do something maybe most people cannot.

Inspiration, from whatever the source, is nothing I take lightly.

The Atkin's Myth

2011-02-28T21:35:00.003-05:00

Even the Atkin's people have backed off on the original idea that a very low carbohydrate diet weighted towards protein and fat will help you lose weight. They have modified the diet by including vegetables and lean protein. The carbs are still limited. The Atkin's Food Pyramid is essentially the government's published food pyramid, upside-down.

Me, I have nothing against carbs.

You see, a third of the world has diets consisting of 80% carbohydrates. In Northern Asia, noodles are a staple food. In the south, rice is a staple eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The fact is, you won't see too many obese people in China or Southeast Asia.

Of course there so many other factors as well. In Asia, low body fat could be genetic. It could be the lack of over-processed, refined foods. It could be their inate sense of food portions. People are more active. People walk or ride bikes everywhere. Markets have fresh foods and you most likely will not find a cookie aisle with 100 brands of cookies. Nope, no snack aisle either. Want a snack? Get the bowl of noodles in broth or the cup full of snails and the chili dipping sauce.

Don't be afraid of carbs. Go ahead, have that bowl of pasta. Just don't eat too much.

Reality Shows

2011-02-28T00:51:00.003-05:00

The number of reality shows on TV is just crazy but it makes sense. There are no big stars. It's filmed with handheld cameras... therefore it's cheap to produce. And now, channeling Sam Kinison... ahhhhh.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Stop!

There's like a new one every couple of weeks. Now there's a new show in "The Houswives" series. The Housewives of Miami... or someplace - like I care.

I mean there's like five "Housewives" shows now. What's next, the housewives of Salt Lake City? What will that be like? Two guys and nine wives?

"And now, the housewives of Upper Sandusky Ohio fight it out for the on-sale frozen dinners at Pathmark."

There's another new one about furniture movers. Yes. Furniture movers.

OK, yes. It can be a physically demanding and dangerous profession but, a reality show?

This has not been aired yet but I predict it will be on a par with another reality series called "Ice Road truckers."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I'm losin' it. I can't hold it..."

Every episode is the same. Eventually, they "lose it." They're driving on an ice road with a loaded five ton truck. What am I missing?

I'm insane with this. Let's come up with some new shows - and please send comments:

"I didn't go to the prom virgins from Cincinatti."

"Middle-aged men who haven't seen the Mets win since 1986.

"Stupid idiots who write blogs."

Julia & Jacques

2011-02-22T21:01:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure of the times, but on Tuesday nights at 7:30 PM Eastern time, the WLIW Create Channel shows legendary cooks Julia Child and Jacques Pepin in a tiny studio kitchen doing their best to teach us how to cook.

The show, filmed towards the end of Julia Child's life, harkens a gentler time. It's charming and quaint and might as well have been filmed in the early 60's. That kind of makes sense since Julia wrote her legendary book a little before that time and embarked on a public television career not long after.

The production values are, shall we say, Spartan. Tonight was green vegetable night and the show was introduced with Julia and Jacques in green aprons and green lettering for the graphics. They prepared artichokes, peas and green beans - Jacques his way and Julia her way.

On another show that featured igniting a cognac flavored dish, Julia came onstage dressed as a fireman holding a fire extinguisher. What a hoot.

Now if you know a thing or two about cooking, understand Julia was classically, classically French trained in the 40's. Jacques, though a Frenchman, was a bit of a rebel in his day. He and Julia would clash at times over technique. Jacques, a working chef in a restaurant would look for the best possible combination of money saving techniques versus quality. Frozen peas? He loves them. Green beans? Julia goes the extra mile to place a red hot iron into the water to get the greens cooking quickly and staying bright green. Her peas, fresh not frozen, were "bruised" - as per Escoffier - by rubbing them together with butter and salt and quickly boiled with some pork fat. Jacques simmered his peas and they looked kind of sad, but they were well seasoned with salt, pepper, country ham and pearl onions.

I think I would like Julia's vegetables better. Jacques said, "Why are you bruising those peas. what did they ever do to you?" Sorry Jack. The 70+ Julia got the best of you on this episode.

The show is a hoot. They bicker all the time. She calls him Jack and Jacques does not seem pleased. Ultimately, you can see they respect each other and it's a half hour of television where I can just forget the rest of the world. I am transported to a kind and wonderful place.

Happy cooking and bon appetite!

Life Insurance Commercials

2011-02-11T23:21:00.004-05:00

I guess Geico started it all. I would say "unprecedented" was their use of a multi-pronged advertising blitz.

There was the cute Geico Gekko lizard; the pile of money with the eyes; the "so easy a caveman could do it" series of commercials; and the Gekko interplay with the wizened old chairman series.

If I may digress a moment - and I will - the Gekko lizard was at a board meeting in one of the commercials and there was speculation on his accent. No, it is not Australian. It is a British Cockney accent and if you don't believe me, go watch a Michael Caine movie.

Now, back on message. There is Progressive Insurance with Retro Flo as the spokesperson.

Flo is caught in the sixties baby with Marge Simpson hair, the vibraphone background music and the AM radio power singers backing her up. They have just played this thing to the hilt, especially on radio. Their commercials come on every 20 minutes and I just have to switch off.

Their hook is, "Name your own price for insurance." OK. How about five bucks? Oh, I didn't think so. Moronic.

State Farm: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." I believe that jingle also harkens the sixties. But now, on TV, twenty-somethings have an accident, sing the jingle and a State Farm agent magically appears out of thin air. Some dude says, "how about a hot tub?", and that magically appears. Moronic.

Allstate takes a direct jab at Geico with their "mayhem" series of commercials. An actor portaying "mayhem" - an invisible, unimaginable idea of what could happen while driving a car - causes a crash and then asks the question, "Could your cut-rate insurance have handled this situation?" Answer? Yes. Collision protection is collision protection. Liability is liability protection - at least in New York.

Finally, one of the stodgiest insurance companies, Farmers, has a commercial thread that shows ridiculous scenarios - like a jet ski in a tree that is on fire - and the "professor" asks the trainee agents in "Farmers College" to explain what happened. After a pause, an elderly white male confidently and smugly explains in detail the events leading up to the improbable accident... like we are supposed to believe there is a Farmers College and that their agents are so impeccably trained, they can help us, we poor unwashed, in any precarious situation.

I just shake my head ruefully.

If they keep this up, I just might have to rank insurance companies lower than banks and mortgage companies. No, maybe not. They didn't help ruin our economy. They just drain our wallets every month.

Jack LaLanne

2011-01-24T20:11:00.005-05:00

It is with great sadness having just learned of the passing of fitness pioneer and guru, Jack LaLanne at the age of 96. This man practiced what he preached and evangelized how to become fit. He did it on TV and by extension, all over the world. I was not converted, however.

Despite his reputation for eating healthy and exercising every day, I found his long-running TV show to be a falsehood because you will never build muscle or endurance doing leg raises from your kitchen chair. To build that physique, Jack LaLanne pumped iron, plain and simple. Yet, I don't recall shows where he taught that - even though he was a champion bodybuilder and inventor of exercise equipment. Still, doing leg raises in your chair is better than having a cigarette, coffee and a donut.

He performed feats of strength over the years - even into his eighties - like doing 1000 pushups in 20 minutes. His most famous stunt bordered on masochistic. In Japan, he towed a string of cargo boats while chained and shackled in such a way that he could only do a dolphin stroke - undulating his body to move the ships through the ocean.

Jack LaLanne once said, "I can't die. It'll ruin my image." And that brings me to my point. With his lifestyle and diet, Monsieur LaLanne was on the slow track to live to be 150. He fell short, but that is not a knock. The reason some people live longer than others is genetics. The reason more people in the Ukraine, northern China, parts of Japan and the Mediterranean live longer than average is more related to the local gene pool than their activities and diet.

Comedian George Burns once said, "I can't die. I'm booked." George Burns lived to be 100 with the resolve to never work out, smoke three cigars a day and have a good Scotch with his Porterhouse.

Genetics.

What I can say is that by exercising and eating right a person's quality of life will be far better than someone who doesn't. You will me more active in all endeavors, outside the house and in the bedroom. You will not suffer from lingering, debilatating illnesses like heart disease and diabetes. But, when that genetic switch flips... no one is immune.

Food Network Rules

2011-01-22T19:30:00.017-05:00

They have a formula for success. Ten to fifteen years ago, who would have guessed you could have a 24/7 network dedicated to cooking? Food Network has been so successful they now have a spin-off network call The Cooking Channel.

The rules that have made them successful are to assemble an array of celebrity chefs. Sure there was Julia Child three generations ago; The Galloping Gourmet two generations ago...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V94H7K_nu5A

...and within the last 20 years two names come to mind: Emeril Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck. Of course, very recently, we have the Food Network stars, too numerous to list. All these superstar chefs in one space have become the secret to Food Network's success.

I think Food Network has peaked though. The formula (or the recipe if you prefer) is getting a little tired. Sooner or later we're going to have a show that jumps the shark. Maybe later is now.

There is a new show called "Outrageous Food" that shows us things like fried pizza and sandwiches made from burgers, onion rings, frankfurters, French fries, gravy, chili and well, it's just disgusting. It's like five pounds and 250 grams of fat and only three people have ever eaten the thing during a 30 minute contest. Good God. "This Food Network show has been sponsored by Lipitor."

The rest of the longtime shows are getting a little tired. "Down Home With the Neelys" is essentially food porn. How many double-entendre references to brown sugar can we stand and all that grabbing and kissing? I guess it's a southern thing but calling your husband Daddy all the time is a little odd here. "Come here baby. OK Daddy."

Bobby Flay, who might be the face of the Food Network, looked absolutley miserable the other night in "Battle Papaya." Every time he get's chosen for an Iron Chef battle he looks crestfallen. In one episode the mic caught him uttering under his breath, "I'm too old for this s--t."

Plus he keeps getting his ass kicked as Iron Chef, as well as on the show "Throwdown With Bobby Flay." Tonight he lost a fried chicken battle. He says the show is to highlight talented regional cooks who are expert in a certain dish, but his winning percentage is, well, awful.

Let's talk about Alton Brown. He is like the Rainman of food and cooking utensils. "Uni-taskers suck." OK. That's one reason to hate a garlic press. Thanks Alton. He is a student of food anthropology. He can make candy corn. Cool. But can he actually cook? He just might need a major ass-kicking on Iron Chef to convince him to calm down.

Ina Gartner, "The Barefoot Contessa" works out of her Southampton villa and gets bigger every year. Ina, two words for you: start working out. OK. That's three words. OK. Salad bar. That's two words.

Hey, this is fun. Let's trash some more Food Network stars.

Sonny Anderson: Salad bar.

Big Daddy, Aaron McCargo: Salad bar. Also, back off on the slang. "Yo baby, I have to have me some of that."

Giada Dilaurentis has a really big head.

... and some other parts.

Tyler Florence is host of "The Ultimate". I read his cookbook. I thing he stole his menu from the Russian Tea Room. Cataloupe wrapped in prosciutto... Lord.

Paula Deen: I once saw her make mashed potatoes with two sticks of butter, one container of sour cream and one cup of heavy cream. Hey, we're getting our vegetables.

Ellie Krieger: I love her. Skin like porcelain.

Please though, I'm getting enough fiber Ellie.

Rachel Ray? I'm begging you, switch to decaf. Cheer down "Raich".

Finally there is Duff Goldman, the "Ace of Cakes" and Guy Fieri of "Diner's, Drive-In's and Dives". They are the "cutting edge" of celebrity chefs on Food Network.

You know, I don't think I was on the cutting edge of anything when I was in my mid-forties. Sorry guys.

Also, memo to Guy Fieri: Shave the mop. The 80's are over and at least one of The Ramones has a pacemaker. It ain't cool son.

I guess Duff is OK. He's the star of "Ace of Cakes". Sorry, but making a cake that looks like R2D2 ain't cooking. Great artwork though. I could care less. I do love it though when the big tall cakes collapse. "Oh no!"

Florida

2011-01-12T03:20:00.004-05:00

My colleagues used to disagree with me. "How could you possibly want to live in Florida with 95% humidity and 95 degree temperatures?" I used to tell them, "Easy."

"You would hate it in August"

"It's one month."

Forget about today with the sleet and snow falling in the northeast with a windchill roughly 17 degrees. I'll take August in Florida any old day of the week. There's the pool. There's the beach. There's always air conditioning.

Tomorrow, I will be snowed in trying to stay warm with the thermostat at 70 degrees. No beach. No pool. No need for air conditioning.

Sorry guys. I hate being right. Can I borrow your snow blower?

444 Posts

2011-01-04T20:18:00.004-05:00

444 Posts. Maybe I have too much time on my hands.

Every once in a while you get a comment though that makes it all worthwhile.

Thank you Heather.

Just when I wonder why, I start thinking "what next"?

It Wouldn't Be Hell's Kitchen If...

2010-12-25T22:46:00.005-05:00

Chef Gordon Ramsay:

...didn't use the F word 142 times.
...didn't yell, "Get out!" 27 times.
...didn't yell, "It's raw!" 16 times.
...didn't yell, "Get a grip!" 12 times.
...didn't yell, "Focus!" 10 times.
...didn't yell, "It's bland!" 9 times.
...didn't moan, "Oh dear!" 8 times.
...didn't say, "You run the brigade or the brigade runs you." 3 times.
...didn't yell, at the nervous contestant until they broke down in tears.
...didn't throw overcooked or undercooked food against the wall, into the trash or into the sink.
...didn't spit up at least once during the signature dish round.
...didn't yell out a contestant's name, and then after dramatic pause say, "Nicely done those scallops."

A Contestant:

...talked back to Chef Ramsay and instantly regretted it.
...verbally threatened another contestant.
...cut themself and then bravely carry on.
...couldn't identify pear during the blind taste test.
...undercooked something and then overcooked it on the next try.
...tried to impress by preparing something "three ways" - so 1980's.
...didn't cry or even collapse from the stress of the competition.

Every Contestant:

...didn't ruin the risotto at least once.
...didn't ruin the scallops at least once.
...didn't ruin the halibut at least once.
...didn't boldly predict their victory.
...didn't do something to finally redeem themselves and earn Chef's approval.
...didn't complain about the punishment after losing a challenge.

The Diner's

...didn't try complaining about the lack of food and have Chef Ramsay proclaim to the young lass, "Get your skinny ass and fake boobs back to the table, PLEASE madame."
...didn't give up waiting for food from the rookie kitchen and order a pizza on the cellphone.
...didn't walk out in silence after waiting for food.

It's all so predictable. I can't not watch it.

It's Not - Part 2

2010-12-25T21:31:00.006-05:00

Chipotle: It's not Chi-pol-tay, it's Chi-poht-lay.

Yolk: It's not a yohk, it's a yohlk.

Arctic: I can't say if the art-ick is cold, but the ark-tick is.

Jessica Simson is voluptuous, not volumptous.

I once had carpal tunnel syndrome. I never had carpool tunnel syndrome.

Forte is a tough one. For-tay means play loudly in music. But music was never my fort.

Pre-scrip-shuns are expensive. Per-scrip-shuns probably cost nothing.

Rah-deek-ee-oh is good in a salad. I wouldn't use ray-deech-ee-oh, however.

Double c's in a word are almost always pronounced with a hard k sound: Soccer, accent, vaccine, etc. But, how many people pronounce flaccid as flak-sid? You can if you want.

Treat language with the utmost respect, not the "upmost".

Korbel

2010-12-23T00:28:00.003-05:00

It is so un-refreshing to see the Korbel winery is showing the same commercial during the holidays for like the fourth year now.

Cheap bastards.

True Grit

2010-12-20T12:50:00.011-05:00

When people think of True Grit they think of that late 60's movie with John Wayne. Not many people saw it because it was the hippie era. Westerns had lost their popularity. I liked the movie. I will ever have this scene in my head of Cogburn facing down four bushwackers, on horseback, at full gallop, with a six-shooter in one hand and a rifle in the other, firing off round after round.

The complete scene is beautiful. The movie is beautifully filmed in general.

The novel True Grit by reclusive author Charles Portis has been compared to Huckleberry Finn as a modern American classic. Like Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn, the language of the day is brought to page and despite the seriousness of the situation, is deadpan funny. True Grit is a western comedy. Don't think so?

Rooster Cogburn: "Any man who packs a big bore Sharps carbine could come in mighty handy, if we're attacked by buffalo... or elephants."

...

Rooster Cogburn: "Boots, I got Hayes and some youngster outside with Moon and Quincy. I want you to bury 'em for me. I'm in a hurry."

Capt. Boots Finch: "They're dead?"

Rooster Cogburn: "Well, I wouldn't want you to bury 'em if they wasn't."

...

Capt. Boots Finch: "So this is the man shot Ned Pepper's horse from under him."

Rooster Cogburn: "Yeah! This is the famous horse killer from El Paso. He believes in puttin' everybody afoot. Says there'll be less mischief that way."

LaBoeuf: "Fewer horses - fewer horse thieves."

...

Rooster Cogburn: "Damn that Texan - when you need him, he's dead."

LaBoeuf: "I ain't dead yet, you bushwhacker. Hang on."

...

[LaBoeuf sits down for supper at the Monarch Boarding House]
Monarch boarder: "Watch out for the chicken and dumplings. They'll hurt your eyes."

LaBoeuf: "How's that?"

Monarch boarder: "They'll hurt your eyes lookin' for the chicken."
[he and other boarders laugh]

LaBoeuf: "You squirrel-headed bastard!"
...

[Cogburn falls off his horse, drunk on whiskey]
LaBoeuf: "What are you doing?"

Rooster Cogburn: "Lookin' for sign."

LaBoeuf: "You couldn't see it if you saw it."

...

Rooster Cogburn: When's the last time you saw Ned Pepper?

Emmett Quincy: "I don't remember any Ned Pepper."

Rooster Cogburn: "Short feisty fella, nervous and quick, got a messed-up lower lip."

Emmett Quincy: "That don't bring nobody to mind. A funny lip?"

Rooster Cogburn: "Wasn't always like that, I shot him in it."

Emmett Quincy: "In the lower lip? What was you aiming at?"

Rooster Cogburn: "His upper lip."

...

Rooster Cogburn: "DAMN, a man that whistles."

...

[Marshal Cogburn is cross-examined by a defense attorney]
Attorney: "How many men have you shot since you became a marshal, Mr. Cogburn?"

Rooster: "I never shot nobody I didn't have to."

Attorney: "That was not the question. How many?"

Rooster: "Uh, shot, or killed?"

Attorney: "Oh, let us restrict it to killed, so that we may have a manageable figure!"

Rooster: "Well, twelve to fifteen, stopping men in flight and defending myself."

Attorney: "Twelve to fifteen? So many that you cannot keep an accurate count! I have examined the record, Mr. Cogburn. A much more accurate figure is available. Come now — how many?"

Rooster: "Counting them two Whartons… twenty-three."

Attorney: "Twenty-three men in four years. That makes about six men a year!"

Rooster: "It's a dangerous business."

...

Mattie: [drinking water from river near camp] "That tastes like iron!"

La Boeuf: "You're lucky to be where water's so handy. I've seen the time I've drank out of a filthy hoofprint and I was glad to get it."

Rooster: "If ever I meet one of you Texas waddies who ain't drunk from a hoofprint, I think I'll… I'll shake their hand, or buy them a Daniel Webster cigar! [he looks over La Boeuf's horse] How long you boys down there been mounted on sheep?"

La Boeuf: "Go ahead and have your little joke. But I'll tell you one thing: that little fella there will still be running when that big American stud of yours is winded and collapsed."

Rooster: "Ha — sheep! Heh, heh…"

Now we have the True Grit remake with Jeff Bridges. It's supposedly more faithful to the novel. I'm all in. I hate going to the movies - long story - but I will sacrifice for this one.

The story of True Grit is about a young, teenage girl - Mattie Ross - who, all alone, heads out into the western territories and seeks a man of "true grit" to avenge the murder of her father. Judging by the original cover of the novel, I think Mr. Portis' first and last jest was that it was not the perpetually lubricated Reuben "Rooster" Cogburn who had the grit, it was young Mattie.

Logistics

2010-12-18T19:59:00.006-05:00

For the past few months, United Parcel Service - UPS - has been running commercials about logisitics. There is this cutesy, plink-plink piano and female voice singing about logistics and there is also a number of hardcore business commercials where middle level managers thank there lucky stars for logistics and UPS.

Here's the thing. I was about 40 years old before I knew what logistics was - and that was only because I had a consulting job at a logistics company. Do you know what logistics is?

Now, since advertising executives have historically concluded, "They're a bunch of monkeys out there", let me explain logistics to you, gentle reader.

Logistics is the science and art of getting a product from point A to point B, usually on a truck - could be a plane, could be van, it doesn't matter. Easy, right? Well, it gets more complicated.

This hypothetical truck, plane or van may have products on it headed for 25 different destinations - like a typical UPS truck. Now, with 25 different destinations, what is the fastest, most fuel efficient way to get from point A to every other letter in the alphabet? With the price of fuel being what it is... well, you get the picture.

But wait, what if I have 25 different destinations and 15 different pick-up points? Well, you would need a super-computer or Steve Kontos to figure this out.

First, you have to figure out the distance between every address in the United States and every other address. Ok. That can't be done - economically. But what we did do (did do? - that sounds stupid) is run a program to calculate the distance between every two zip codes in the United states. On a state-of-the-art PC in 1999, that program ran for almost five days.

Now, for each shipment, we calculate the shortest distance from point A to the nearest destination which, duh, becomes point B, and so on till we get to point Z.

The art of logistics comes in when a human being actually reviews the pick-up points versus the destinations and makes the call as to where the truck has to go. There was only so much we could do in 1999. You might think, let's make all the pick-ups first and then deliver. But, what if I have a destination just one mile from my last pick-up? That said, we made the decision to treat all pick-ups and drop-offs as equal and calculate the shortest route between pick-up and drop-off points. That said again, depending on the cargo - can you say perishable goods? - we had to concede we could not acommodate all the variables relating to moving a product from point A to point B.

As a consultant I used to say, "Given enough time and money - with the emphasis on money - there is nothing we can't do." In the case of logistics, to this day, we have human beings making decisions and directing the trucks.

That's a good thing.

Poopy the Penguin

2010-12-14T07:27:00.003-05:00

Other areas of the country have been buried with snow, but today, this morning, Poopy the Penguin experienced the first snowfall of the year here on Long Island.

Hoda Kotb

2010-12-13T11:21:00.006-05:00

The name is unusual until you learn about her Egyptian background.

My old man was Greek and had some Egyptian friends. I think a respectful pronunciation would be Hoo-DAH, Ka-TUBE. Still, on the late morning Today Show, with Kathy Lee Gifford, we know her as HO-dah KAHT-bee.

She's not a classic beauty, but an engaging one. I am not going to become a stalker anytime soon, but what an amazing woman. An award winning journalist, breast cancer survior, but above all, she is so vivacious.

Vivacious means "full of life." She is. She is brave. She is smart. She is engaging. Add a touch of craziness, and you have a woman any man could fall for - hard.

Here is her story about breast cancer:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26967472/ns/today-today_health/

And yes, vivacious and full of life as noticed here:

My Food Network

2010-12-12T14:34:00.003-05:00

Listening to most of the Food Network personalities and chefs, it seems they are being coached to refer to everything in the kitchen as theirs. They constantly refer to everything in the kitchen with the modifier "my".

"First, my browned, pork tenderloin goes into my large casserole dish with my carrots, celery and onions. Then I add my chicken stock and place the casserole in the oven. While that's cooking, let's make the base for my Dijon mustard butter sauce."

Enough. If they have an original recipe, go ahead, use "my" as in my hamhocks in an apple ginger sauce. Please though, it's carrots, not "my" carrots. It's skirt steak, not "my" skirt steak. Referring to everything prefaced by "my" sounds egotistical, plus it's annoying.

Now that I pointed this out, I probably ruined Food Network for you. You'll notice "my" on almost every show. Fortunately, some of the more established celebrity chefs like Alton Brown and Bobby Flay actually speak proper English.

Open Mic

2010-12-09T04:01:00.003-05:00

Old, Old School

2010-12-09T01:57:00.003-05:00

More, More, Latimore.

Back in the day, he was this regional hero who I picked up on in the bargain bin at the local record store. Many years later, the hair is white and he's alright - Kenny Latimore. Let's give it up y'all.

Yeah.

Yogi Bear vs Avatar

2010-12-08T16:39:00.007-05:00

Do you remember that teddybear you grew up with and spit up on and later, you would kick it around like a football and the dog chewed off one of the ears? Well, that's what Yogi looks like in the new holiday movie, "Yogi Bear". The animation looks awful. Pixar quality this is not.

Flip the coin and you have the movie "Avatar" - the finest display of computer generated imagery I have seen. I can only imagine the array of supercomputer hardware and original heuristic algorithms that movie required.

On the other hand, I was nodding off 30 minutes into the movie waiting for something to happen. There were long stretches of yawn in the movie.

This is not fantasy like the "Harry Potter" movies. This is science fiction and you can't have good science fiction without science fact. I watched the movie twice and still do not understand how human beings inside what appeared to be a shiny coffin could transfer their consciousness, memories and personality into an avatar. It was not explained.

Finally, what is an avatar? Is it a cybernetic organism? Is it a Frankenstein - a transformed, formerly dead Avatar? In any conception, the technology and cost to build life-like, intelligent creatures requires staggering technology and cost. Considering the sole purpose was to "make friends" with the Avatar people... well, it made no sense. Just blow 'em up and take the land.

Finally, the floating mountains insulted my intelligence. I don't care what impressive double-talk phrase they used to explain the floating mountains, gravity takes a holiday for no one or no thing.

Dear James Cameron, where there is mass there is gravity. The more mass, the greater the pull of gravity. Anything in the atmosphere of a planet, or even near a planet with less mass is going to fall. Of all the things that have been challenged in physics over the last 100 years, the constant of gravity has never been challenged. Without gravity, the universe flys apart and we're all dead. Floating mountains? Nah uh.

Even the final battle scenes reminded me of a an oldtime Saturday morning western except the natives were blue and the army guys had bigger guns.

As my old man used to say, "Stinko".

On the other hand, "Yogi Bear" may actually be entertaining since the voice of Yogi is that of Dan Ackroyd and one can only hope he also contributed a few lines.

Turkey Chili Chipotle

2010-12-06T01:58:00.008-05:00

When I can’t stop eating something, it must be good. Here is my Turkey Chili Chipotle.

This could very easily be a vegetarian chili if you were to substitute crumbled soy burgers or chopped tofu for the ground turkey. Or, you could make this with ground beef. Any way you do it, the chipotle puree adds a smoky flavor, as well as a little heat.

1-1/2 pounds ground turkey (my store sells it in 1-1/3 pound packs - good enough)
1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 bunch chopped scallion (aka green onion) or 1 large chopped red onion
1 large chopped green pepper
4 cloves of garlic chopped fine
1 large can (about 16 oz) of crushed tomatoes
1 large can (about 16 oz.) of pink beans or kidney beans, juice and all
1 large tomato, diced
1 jalapeno pepper, stem removed, seeds removed and sliced into thin rings
1 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp honey
2 teaspoons chipotle puree (recipe follows)
1 tsp cumin seeds
Masa harina (corn flour) as needed, used as a thickener
Kosher salt to taste

Chipotle Puree

In the ethnic aisle of the supermarket, get a can of chipotle peppers in Adobo sauce. Place the contents in a blender and puree until smooth. If it seems too thick, add a little water and blend a little more. It should have a thick, pea soup kind of consistency.

Method

Heat up a big skillet on medium high heat. Add the olive oil and swirl it around. Add the ground turkey, chop it up with a spatula and stir until the turkey is nicely browned.

Add the scallion, green pepper, jalapeno pepper, garlic, cumin, chili powder and season with salt. Stir.

Add the crushed tomatoes, beans, diced tomato, chipotle pepper puree, honey and stir.

Simmer 30 minutes, covered, so the flavors can meld. Stir every once in a while.

Taste. Add salt if needed. If the chili looks too watery, add a handful of masa harina to thicken it up. Stir.

If it is too hot and spicy for you, add a little more honey to tone it down a little.

If the chili still is not thickening, add a little more masa. Stir and cook. Repeat this process until you have a nice thick chili.

Serve with condiments of your choice:

Chopped onions
Chopped cilantro
Grated cheddar cheese
Crumbled quesa fresco
Light sour cream

Jalapeno peppers and the canned chipotles in Adobo sauce can be unpredictable as far as the spiciness and heat they add. Keep the sour cream on hand in case your chili is hotter than you would like. A little dairy as garnish will help ameliorate the heat.

However, if you want hotter, double the chili powder, cumin and chipotle puree.

This chili works on hot dogs as well as a dip with tortilla chips. I’ve eaten it hot and cold. I’ve had it on a tortilla with a runny egg on top for breakfast. I love it.

Stranded on a Desert Island With Jimmy Buffett

2010-12-03T04:04:00.012-05:00

A popular Rolling Stone question is, "If you could play one albumn stranded on a desert island, what would it be?"

Me? Jimmy Buffett, Live in Anguilla. The steel drums start in and my brain disconnects.

Vacation: Changes in lattitudes; changes in attitudes; wish I could go sailin' again; sand on my back; sun in my eyes...

Maggie put it best: Let's rock this boat.

I took off for a weekend last month
Just to try and recall the whole year
All of the faces and all of the places
Wonderin' where they all disappeared
I didn't ponder the question too long
I was hungry and went out for a bite
Ran into a chum with a bottle of rum
And we wound up drinkin all night

It's these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of our running and all of our cunning
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

Reading departure signs in some big airport
Reminds me of the places I've been
Visions of good times that brought so much pleasure
Makes me want to go back again
If it suddenly ended tomorrow
I could somehow adjust to the fall
Good times and riches and son of a bitches
I've seen more than I can recall

These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

I think about Paris when I'm high on red wine
I wish I could jump on a plane
So many nights I just dream of the ocean
God I wish I was sailin' again
Oh, yesterday's over my shoulder
So I can't look back for too long
There's just too much to see waiting in front of me
And I know that I just can't go wrong

With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of my running and all of my cunning
If I couldn't laugh I just would go insane
If we couldn't laugh we just would go insane
If we weren't all crazy we would go insane.

I'm looking forward to time in a different lattitude sometime soon.

Yesterday's over my shoulder.

Who want's to join me?

The War on Terror

2010-12-01T00:55:00.010-05:00

The Taliban. Al-Qaeda. It doesn't seem like we're winning. Don't worry, we have a few extra bullets left in the chamber.

First, we have Chuck Norris.

At the age of five, he roundhouse kicked Hitler into the hereafter. It was a secret mission which is why you never heard of it. Now at age 70, we might just have one more mission for Carlos Ray Norris.

Second, there is "The Governator".

Arnold Schwarzenegger. He will not stop until all the bad guys are "terminated". Even if he doesn't succeed the first time, he'll be back.

John Wayne

is not dead. He has been frozen for the last 30 years. When he wakes up, he's gonna be pissed.

Stallone.

He's just itchin' to get back into Rambo mode. "Covey leader to Raven. Go get 'em."

I just hope they bring a good supply of body bags.

Finally, "The Rock", Dwayne Johnson

is hankering to "layeth the smacketh down" and drop "The People's Elbow" on their candy asses. There is no tomorrow. There is no tomorrow.

If all else fails, we have a cook on our side. Well, he also cooks.

"You mean Casey Ryback is on that mission?"

Ya damn right.

It's all on you. Don't make us go there Al-Qaeda.

Sketches of a Thanksgiving Weekend

2010-11-28T21:59:00.003-05:00

Landlord worried I would be alone. I assured them, no. Made chipotle deviled eggs at the last moment. Balanced the tray to the car. Glad greetings.

Watched football with my old brother in-law. Talked trash, made wisecracks and made him laugh. Called to task to carve the turkey. Skin and a wing for Imelda. White meat and dark meat for the rest of the guests and a leg for me. So many side dishes. Stuffed.

More football. More jokes. Turkey coma. At midnight, a turkey sandwich watching cooking shows. Deep sleep.

Friday, planning meals and shopping. Cleaning.

Saturday, picked up Christopher for another visit and another Nintendo marathon. Poached salmon for lunch and worried if he would like it. He ate it all. A Tex-Mex meatloaf for dinner. He ate it all. Yay! Chris liked Daddy's cooking.

Sunday, no sleep until about 5:00 AM. Up at 7:00 AM. A long day: Internet Christmas shopping; a trip to Home Depot and another round of food shopping; cleaning and organizing the apartment.

Giant's football. More home improvement and later, Chopped and Iron Chef America on Food Network - watched with a cool beverage in hand.

Deviled Eggs

2010-11-25T03:36:00.004-05:00

I am making deviled eggs for this year's Thanksgiving celebration.

First, you have to hard boil a dozen eggs with the method explained here.

Get chipotle chiles in adobo sauce from the supermarket and puree in a blender.

Remove the shell from the eggs.

Slice the eggs in half lengthwise.

Remove the yolks carefully and place into a bowl. Mash them up with a fork or the back of a spoon.

Add 1/2 cup mayonaisse. Two teaspoons of the chipotle chile puree. Four teaspoons of anchou chile powder. Four tablespoons of finely minced chives. Four tablespoons of finely chopped cilantro. Add some kosher salt and black pepper. Mix well.

Put the mixture back into the hollowed, halved eggs.

Finish with a flurry of anchou chile powder on top and cilantro.

Serve cold.

Bar Americain

2010-11-18T20:32:00.005-05:00

They wanted two years fine dining experience for line cooks and at least one year for prep cooks. They wanted a culinary resume. Didn't have one. I went anyway for the experience and hey, it's a casino. I deserved to have some fun, no matter what the outcome.

I arrived at Mohegan Sun in Uncasville, Connecticut and stood at the back of a line of 100 people waiting to be interviewed for the position of cook at Bar Americain.

After two hours it was my turn.

"Do you have a resume?" I handed them my resume for software developer. I said, "I'm a home cook."

The interviewer shook her head ruefully. "Do you have any culinary experience?"

"I worked a summer at MacDonald's when I was 17 as a fry cook."

Sauntering over in jeans and blue blazer was none other than Bobby Flay, wondering out loud, "Hey Jen, who is the old guy?"

We made our introductions. "Where you from Steve?"

"Long Island, eastern Suffolk."

"And you came all this way? I like that. Can you really cook?"

"Yes chef."

"Ha ha ha. Okay, tell you what. Come to the kitchen before service at three o'clock and we'll give you the same test we give all the applicants."

The kitchen is just off the lobby at Mohegan Sun. There was another long line. Finally, my turn.

Chef says, "Make me an omelette." I made him a French omelette with creme fraiche and chives. Everyone else was making a country omelette.

"Where did you learn to make a classic French omelette?"

"I saw a video of Jacques Pepin making one on YouTube."

Chef was laughing hysterically. When he caught his breath he said, "I'm hungry. Make me a burger."

I asked for and received ground Buffalo meat, Ciabatta bread, red jalapeno chiles, green tomato, grapeseed oil, house barbecue sauce and sharp American cheese.

Loosely shape the burger and place on a the grill with plenty of grapeseed oil. On the stove, sautee thin slices of golden onions in butter.

Slice the red jalapeno into thin little rings. Slice the green tomato thinly as well. Keep these raw for texture.

Flip the burger when you see the blood oozing out. Put the bread on the grill to toast.

Put two slices of sharp American cheese on the burger. Put the cheese slices on so that it looks like an eight-pointed star.

What a test. I was sweating.

After another two minutes, move the Buffalo burger slightly off the heat and place a bowl on top to steam and melt the cheese - about a minute and a half. Let's plate.

Butter the toasted Ciabatta roll on the bottom half. Put on the burger. Slide the sauteed onions from the pan onto the cheesy burger. Top that with a slice of green tomato and the red chile rings.

Add the barbecue sauce to the top half of the roll. Place on top, slightly askew to show off the burger. Serve.

I got the thumb's up sign from Bobby Flay while he was chowing down.

Later, I had a drink. I went to the casino and won my gas money in blackjack. I ate. I went to my room. I went home the next day. I never heard back.

McRib

2010-11-17T01:04:00.003-05:00

McDonald's keeps bringing back the McRib sandwich every few years, I guess, just to be sure that no one likes it.

This is a boneless piece of mystery meat - probably pork, slathered in barbecue sauce with raw white onions and pickles on a tasteless roll. Sounds un-appetizing? You have a great pallet.

McDonald's, here's how to make a nice sandwich: Toast the bread; sautee the onions; keep the sauce; replace the pickles with cole slaw and most importantly, use some real barbecued pulled pork (which can be made ahead of time and shipped to the store).

That said, I'll probably get a McRib tomorrow just to be sure I still hate it.

Caesar Salad Part 2

2010-11-13T21:21:00.003-05:00

Romaine lettuce hearts - enough for 4 people
2 anchovy fillets
2 cloves garlic
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons light olive oil
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 teaspoons (that's teaspoons) Worcestershire sauce
1 yolk from a large fresh egg (or 1/8 cup egg substitute)
1/2 cup grated Pecorino Romano (more or less to taste)
Fresh ground black pepper

Start with the dressing. Add the garlic, anchovies, mustard, lemon juice and yolk to a blender. While blending, take the center cap off the blender top and drizzle in the olive oil. Blend until smooth. Turn off the blender and scrape down the sides as needed. No one wants a hairy anchovy chunk in their salad.

Prepare the lettuce. I leave in the center rib of the Romaine for its crunch and bitterness which is needed to cut through the powerful taste of the dressing. Slice each leaf into threes. Chop evenly - or as evenly as possible - into 3/4 inch squares. You can tear it up by hand but I am anal retentive. Also, I think the small pieces coat better.

Put the dressing into a large mixing bowl. Add the lettuce. Toss with a couple of wooden spoons.

Add the croutons prepared in step one. Toss.

Add the cheese. Toss.

Grind a generous amount of black pepper on top. Toss.

Chill in the freezer for 10-15 minutes for that extra crunch.

Serve. Grate a little more cheese on each serving.

Things you can do with your Caesar salad besides eating it as is:

Put strips of grilled chicken on top for a grilled chicken Caesar salad.
Put it on any sandwich you would normally use plain old lettuce.
Use it on top of a steamy, halved baked potato.
Today, I had it on top of a hot slice of pizza.

Caesar Salad Part I

2010-11-11T20:58:00.006-05:00

So, you want to make a Caesar Salad?

First, you have to prep the croutons. Let a few slices of white bread go stale.

Cube the stale bread.

Coat the stale, cubed bread with olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic salt and dried basil.

Bake the cubed bread at 400 degrees for 6-8 minutes, or until it looks golden brown.

Croutons ready.

Taste Expectations

2010-11-09T21:12:00.006-05:00

The Food Network generation has us believe fried is something to be craved and "well-seasoned" is the way to serve food.

Rick Bayless, the authority on Mexican cuisine in the United States was debating tonight on a cooking show between lard and melted pork fat to make his tamales. He decided on the pork fat for frying, because of the flavor.

Paula Dean - Hah! Paula Deen - makes no apologies for making her mashed potatoes with a pound of butter and sour cream. Sure it tastes good, but...

If you are young and healthy, a decadent night out dining - or cooking - every now and then is not going to kill you.

As you or I approach middle-age let's be sure to get a physical every year. My blood pressure is Ok, but the cholesterol is off the charts. You're doctor will advise you like she advised me: Cut the salt, cut the fat. Have more fish and vegetables and less red meat. No more fried foods - you can bake or broil. And, just taste the veggies. Taste the meat. No need to mask them with 10 different seasonings.

The alternatives: Suffer through an appendectomy; a heart attack; kidney stones; gall stones. From what I have heard, all those conditions, while not always fatal, are extremely painful and a pain you will never forget.

Yesterday, I made a chicken soup with roasted cornish hen, low sodium broth, potatos, carrots, white onions, one clove of smashed garlic and a bay leaf. I could taste each ingredient on it's own and I was satisfied.

It's a culture shock to be sure. We know what tastes good, but it is always not good for us. Personally, unless I am trying to impress a guest, I like simple. Show off the ingredients. I don't salt or pepper or oil if I have great ingredients. Therein lies the rub.

It's very hard in suburbia to get the best and freshest ingredients. But, if you can source them out like a ripe, heirloom tomato - there is no need to add anything else. It's perfect. Don't mess with it. Maybe a little lemon juice and chopped fresh basil on top.

Summer and Fall

2010-11-03T23:03:00.008-04:00

Andrew Cuomo

2010-11-02T23:03:00.003-04:00

The right governor for New York at the right time. He helped me personally.

Directly or indirectly, he will help you, New Yorkers.

The Hash Slinging Slasher

2010-10-30T22:39:00.010-04:00

Hello, I'm Allistair Cooke and welcome to Masterpiece Theatre.

Today, we pay homage to and recognize the genius that is Spongebob Squarepants and the classic Halloween Thriller, "The Hash Slinging Slasher."

In our episode today, our absorbent, yellow hero cheerfully agrees to work all night for Mr. Krab, the owner of the diner, The Krusty Krab.

Working through the night with his colleague Squidward, without customers, the bored and sleepy Squidward decides to spin a yarn about a demented nightshift fry cook who had an unfortunate life and returns to this day, to haunt and terrify his victims. Let's watch.

Charlie Sheen

2010-10-28T06:52:00.002-04:00

The word reprehensible comes to mind.

How many drunken or cocaine-induced rampages can this person go on before justice locks him up in a leather straightjacket and hood like the Silence of the Lambs guy.

"Fly fly fly little Starling."

Seriously, they must have an arrangement. His wife and two beautiful young girls are in the room across the hall in a New York hotel while he gets crazy, trashes the room and scares the you-know-what out of his porn star companion. The police are called.

He's with a porn star, in a room, in a hotel, across the hallway from his wife and kids.

Today, I heard on a sports radio show how the disc jockey felt that Charlie Sheen was his hero and he was just doing what he does and it was cool. Oh, and how great his TV show was.

Justice is a wonderful concept.

Perfume and Cigarettes

2010-10-23T10:14:00.002-04:00

Outside last night in the still air, I caught this scent of refined perfume and cigarette smoke. This morning I caught it again. It was somehow, intoxicating

Fantasy says, "Go find out." Reality says, "Keep raking the leaves."

Travel Tips

2010-10-10T07:33:00.002-04:00

The Complaint Department is going off the rails today to share some travel tips. I've traveled enough to know, but not too much to become hardened and numb to the travel experience.

There are so many travel shows on TV. In fact, there's a Travel Channel. But, there are no shows telling you how to travel. Enter the Complaint Department.

Tip one: Don't be late.

Get to the airport early. Oh, I know, no one likes to spend time in the airport. It seems like airports are engineered to be uninviting and uncomfortable. That said, what is the alternative? You miss your flight. You don't want that. No no no.

I was on-time traveling to the airport with the family some time ago. The crew included nieces and nephews. However, a downpour slowed traffic to a crawl. We - including the five year-old - literally ran through LaGuardia to the departure gate. We missed the gate closing by one minute.

Oh, we pleaded and complained - we were just one minute late! No dice.

At the customer service desk we eventually negotiated a free night in a nearby hotel and a morning flight after. Okay, but we lost a day of our vacation.

Tip two: Bring food.

Airlines are serving chips, pretzels and nuts. That's it. It really is a no-frills, austere experience.

If I may digress - and I will - I remember, even on a puddle jump from NY to NC or FL, getting a Stouffer's-like TV dinner. Not today.

Brown bag it.

Final tip: Travel light.

It's liberating to get on a plane without baggage - no computer case, no duffel bag, no carry-on.

You don't have to go to that extreme, but how many times have you traveled coming home with clothes unworn and things unused?

Travel light. It's liberating. And, it will save you money now that airlines are charging you for baggage.

I mean, if you think about it, the airlines are doing everything they can to drive business away. But, that's a complaint for another day.

It's Not

2010-10-05T21:07:00.000-04:00

It's not "lozenger", it's lozenge.

It's not ath-a-lete, it's ath-lete.

It's not a "mute point" - it's a moot point.

It's not "sticks in my claw", it's sticks in my craw."

It's not nuke-u-ler, it's new-clear.

It's not Co-net-i-cut, it's Co-nect-i-cut.

It's not duck tape it's duct tape.

It's not Feb-u-ary, it's Feb-ru-ary

It's not lie-berry, it's lie-brary.

It's not irregardless, it's regardless.

Finally, it's not New Yawk.

Toast

2010-09-27T23:34:00.006-04:00

Oh, gee. The toaster's not working.

First of all, how can a toaster not work? I push the handle down, there's a blue spark in my face and the handle pops up.

You know what toaster? You're dealing with amateur cook Steve Kontos. Don't make me make toast the old-fashioned way.

Put butter spray into a big, pre-heated, frying pan. Lay down the big slices of rye bread. Turn after two or three minutes.

When you toast in the frying pan, you get this even, golden, brown color.

On the buttery bread put: Tuna fish, drained, dressed with white vinegar, salt, sugar, pepper, finely chopped celery, parsley and onions.

Tuna sandwich for tomorrow's lunch.

I love being able to cook. But, I gotta get a new toaster.

2010-09-25T18:59:00.005-04:00

You can never have too many beach days. Today was another on the Island of Long.

The surf was rough and you couldn't even get in - unless you're me.

I got in after waiting ten minutes for a flat period - but, I couldn't get out. It was that rough. I bit the bullet and rode a steep wave in that smashed me into the bottom, bending my spine into the letter 'U'. There was a strong rip current too. But, the stiff wind kept pushing you in - and downshore. I got out of the water panting, gasping for air.

That's me though. If I am at the beach, and it's warm - I am going in. Still, not the most pragmatic decision.

Leaving. Dang. Look at this. The surf shack is open serving the full menu. And, there are two, count them two, live bands battling it out taking turns. When Band One broke into Margaritaville, I swiveled around, walked up to the dancefloor, clapped my hands and sang along. I just had to. Despite all of my faults, It's part of my charm. If I only had a dollar for how many times I heard, "You so crazy!"

My south shore, beach journey would not have been complete if I did not visit Varney's the local fish joint.

The Baymen's Special did not disappoint: Clam chowder; clams on the half shell; baked clams; and mussels in a white wine sauce served with buttery garlic bread for dipping.

The day concluded with a chilly drink on my patio listening to reggae.

This day added a much needed balance.

Ghost Adventures

2010-09-14T23:21:00.003-04:00

For those of you with cable, you may have noted the show Ghost Adventures.

Like modern Ghostbusters, our intrepid but motley and retarded bunch seek out the supernatural. This could be the most annoying show on TV - and that's saying a lot: The Kardashians, Jersey Shore, DC Housewives, Ice Road Truckers...

This ghostly show is filmed in night camera green to make it seem real and spooky - I guess. That and the jiggly hand-held camera breach my annoyance levy somewhere between 15 or 20 seconds into the show.

There are shouts of, "Did you hear that?" or, "Did you feel that" or, "Oh my God!" Oh gee, how exciting.

Didn't anyone tell these numbskulls there are no such things as ghosts and if there were, a lot of people would be making money off them and not just this childish, stupid show.

Kindle

2010-09-10T20:46:00.003-04:00

The commercials start with a shot of a single woman on vacation and this cute plink plink plink from a piano and then a cutesy-voiced female singer singing this amazingly, can't-get-out-of-your-head jingle concluding, "Will you take me away. Take me away again with you."

Now the subliminal message - or metaphor to be kind - is pretty clear. Buy an Amazon Kindle and YOU, young, single female will be completed as a person. Who needs a boyfriend?

This commercial has been pushed hard for about two years now, longer than any other I know. And, it's annoying. To be fair, just recently, there is now a man on the beach with the single female. Cool. Amazon finally figured out after two years, "Gee, we can potentially double our market."

You go on vacation. Would you rather be near salt spray and splash your Pina Colada on your paperback novel, or an electronic device?

If the Amazon Kindle is not like the Edsel - one of the biggest failures in American industry - then I will eat my Yankee hat. Is anybody buying this thing? Why would anybody buy a Kindle that does just one thing? It's not a computer. It can't make calls. It can't send emails. It can't play music.

One trick pony.

Let me ask a question. Do you know anyone that owns a Kindle? It's gone in a year or I am just a tired old bastard.

Keep advertising Amazon. The Kindle is your Albatross.

Flashback

2010-09-10T20:23:00.002-04:00

Awhile back on Letterman, there was this really young, really mediocre music group being showcased at the end of the show. I didn't catch the name but the lead female had straight-up "shocked" blond hair, and her vocals were backed up by skinny guys with synthesizers in retro suits and skinny ties. Welcome to the 80's. Can you say Flock of Seagulls? I knew you could.

Prior to that, some actor by the name of Rob-somebody explained how he got into the movies and some semi-big films.

If I may digress - and I will - this was not a blockbuster night for Letterman. Yes, he had on Stallone plugging "The Expendables" but, Sly seemed lethargic and he was hiding behind these queer blue sunglasses to cover his eyes. Even with shades on, you could see his obviously, baggy eyes. Forget about bags. They looked like luggage.

Back on point. So, this Rob-person, unknown, B-movie actor was actually pretty humorous as he related his acting school experiences up until to his latest film during this four minutes of fame.

I flash-backed to my acting class in college. Why did I study acting?

A) I had no guidance counselor worth a damn
B) It was an easy three credits

In acting, you learn to project your voice to the back of the room. Later on in life I was able to say things like, "Of COURSE I am eligible for FOOD STAMPS."

In acting, we learn to improvise. Act like a tree. Become a tree. Be the tree. I was an Oak Tree. With arms overhead, fingers twitching downwards, it was to symbolize the falling of acorns.

Pathetic, I know. But tonight, seeing this Rob-person on Letterman I was thinking, "I could have been an actor. I could have been a contender."

"Stella!"

Out East

2010-08-29T14:40:00.007-04:00

After the weekend, Long Islanders can sometimes be heard saying, "I went out east this weekend." The proper response is a question: "North Fork or South Fork?" Today I went out east: South Fork.

Duckwalk Vineyards was the destination. It was too early for the live music on the patio, but not too late for a wine tasting. I was a little annoyed that there were no crackers to clear the palate between tastings. For me, that's better than swishing some water. Oh wait, there were crackers... for two dollars. I shrugged my shoulders. It's the Hamptons, you know? But I digress - because I can.

A big German family to my left 'witout kinder' - the kids were outside - was having a good time. There were plenty of "Ya, sehr gut" and I had to agree the wine was very good. On the other side was a woman complaining she only likes expensive whiskey or brandy. I must say the barman was working with her, but it's like, "Hello, this is a winery."

Maybe it's having been on a Carlo Rossi budget but Duckwalk has a 2007 Merlot Reserve that is exceptional. So many flavors going on in there with lingering finish and the oakiness you would expect from a cabernet. I bought two bottles. By the way, a reserve wine is made from the juice that first runs off as they begin pressing the grapes. It's the sweetest juice.

So that was the destination. Today was about the journey. Getting away from suburbia-disturbia was wonderful relaxation. It reminded me of traveling down south or, in almost any rural area: There were farms; farm stands; road kill; bugs getting squished on the windshield; plenty of nurseries; hardware stores; lumber yards; masonry supply yards; arts and craft stores; thrift stores and so on. Plus, it was what I like to call, "Easy driving."

Riding through the Pine Barrens, I was reminded that they are the only place we Long Islander's can remotely call a wilderness. As a young man having hiked and camped through there you have no idea what is going on from the highway. You have to see it from the inside.

Inside there are cranberry bogs, wild blueberry, marshes and all the peat moss you could ever use. There are deer and fox and harmless snakes. There are Bluebirds, the New York State bird. As night falls the Chimney Swifts twitter overhead, Whippoorwills drown out the chirping toads and finally, the "Hoo Hoo Hoo-Hoo" of the Great Horned Owl. Also, it's a wonderful place for mobsters to dump bodies. Every couple of years they find another one.

Passing the Shinnecock Reservation I was reminded that Native Americans called Long Island Paumanok - fish - a reference to it being shaped like one. Forgetting about the Inca, how did the natives know what Long Island looked like from the sky?

On a side road, I passed a place called Rocks & Dirt. Sure enough, glancing out the window was a big pile of large rocks and a giant mound of dirt.

I stayed on the side road looking for a fish place after I had passed the Lobster Inn. I wish they had a sign. It would have been like twenty minutes to get to the next exit, turn around and get back. But, this is Long Island. Surely there was going to be a fish place or a clam shack on the way back home. Ten miles from Quogue to Speonk to Eastport and Mastic - not a fish joint to be found - plenty of pizza and Chinese places, however.

A farmstand along the way supplied me with Beefsteak Tomatoes the size of baby's heads. As soon as I got home, one got sliced thick, layered with feta cheese and olive oil drizzled on top with a flurry of oregano and ground black pepper. Yum. Later on, I will have another big slice and eat it like a steak: A slice of onion on top and smothered in steak sauce.

So, that was my day trip. Yesterday I had a ball with my son Christopher.

Tomorrow I reluctantly rejoin the world of Oracle and PHP programming. Hey, I have to pay the bills.

It is not lost on me of what a privilege it is to be able to get into a car, spend some money and spend a carefree day.

I don't know if I deserved it, but I needed it.

Secret Ingredients

2010-08-24T23:23:00.003-04:00

Top 10 Secret Ingredients

Celery pepper in potato salad
Honey in salsa
A splash of vinegar in any cake recipe
Horseradish in mashed potatoes
Creme fraiche or sour cream in scrambled eggs
Bittersweet chocolate in chili
Crumbled bacon in almost any mixture - sweet or savory
Saffron in cream sauce
Sugar in tomato sauce
Salt & Pepper

Change at Jamaica

2010-08-23T23:07:00.002-04:00

... not tonight anyway.

A piece of switching equipment at Jamaica Station in Jamaica New York caught fire tonight stranding thousands of railroad travelers. Many experienced delays the same as September 11, 2001. We're coming up on midnight and commuters are just getting home.

If you live in the New York metro area and have commuted for any length of time, you despise the Long Island Railroad.

Men landed on the Moon 41 years ago - but one switching fire brings down the LIRR for hours. Can you say 1920's technology? I knew you could.

Because this is the Complaint Department, let me just say this: "You incompetent bastards."

The head of the Long Island Railroad announced tonight that in September, they will be turning on a new switching system controlled by computer chips. OK. Now I'm really worried.

In a related story tonight, one that nobody knew about (apparently) the Long Island Expressway was completely shut down for five to six mile stretches for roadwork. Construction was scheduled for 10:00 PM so no one would be too inconvenienced. Too bad the road was closed at 9:00 PM and it took me one hour, working on my late night, to go 5 miles. That would be an average of five miles per hour. Total commute time was one and a half hours from 9:00 PM to 10:30 PM.

The Yankee game was on WCBS News Radio 88. That killed some time. The other news station here, WINS, reported that the Expressway was moving just fine.

Wrong.

It was stop and go with the speedometer never budging past zero for an hour. The highway department started the construction early and God Bless the people who might have had emergencies who were trapped in traffic. This is just wrong. What if someone was having a baby and lost it in the unnecessary traffic jam? Who would be liable in that scenario?

All the signs for weeks on end said construction would start at 10:00 PM. Why did it start at nine, hell, well before nine?

Once again, this is the Complaint Department: F-U New York State Highway Department.

To add insult to injury, the big electronic sign on the expressway announced, "495 - TRAFFIC MOVING WELL"

Someone's sick joke, no doubt.

It was not appreciated here.

Water Baby

2010-08-21T01:54:00.004-04:00

One of my earliest memories was being bathed in the kitchen sink. I remember the cold porcelain and the unforgiving stainless steel faucet. Bumping into that was to be avoided.

After that, I remember my Mom, holding her hand under my belly, in the bathtub and moving me around in the warm water.

As I got bigger, she would do the same thing with me in the pool in the cold water telling me to kick my legs and move my arms. One day, I swam away from her hand, grabbed the ledge and was so happy that I could swim. I must have been about three.

I have always loved the water.

Trips to the beach were a family event. It was always hard getting everybody together, but as a kid, I think we must have done that at least once a year - be it Robert Moses State Park, Jones Beach or Smith Point County Park.

I don't think you can live on an island (Long Island) and not enjoy the ocean. I remember days on the beach with friends; solitary hikes along Fire Island National Sea Shore; first dates at the beach; boating trips with stops at the beach; surfing (or should I say waiting); surf casting (never caught anything); tanning (before we knew better); clam bakes; picture taking; bird watching (and accidentally wandering into the nudist area, getting severe looks); shell collecting; rousing games of volleyball; trying to do tricks with a Frisbee; swimming; wave-hopping and body-surfing; watching sunsets; eating and drinking beer that was smuggled in - I mean, hey - even a bad day at the beach was better, is better, than a good day at work.

Later in life I became acquainted with other beaches thanks to my ex: The Turks and Caicos; Negril in Jamaica; St. Lucia; Antigua and Oaxaca in Mexico - white sand and tourqouise water; windsurfing (or at least trying to) and sailing Hobie's; drinks delivered to the beach and dinners listening to the wind and surf. There are endless beaches to walk on in the Caribbean and Mexico.

The beach and I are old friends. I can't imagine not being near sand and salt.

I can appreciate a mountain view and a river run; a deep blue lake and a forest green. But never would I be happy, if the sun and the waves were too far away.

On Hitting a Fastball

2010-08-19T23:02:00.003-04:00

A couple of years ago, at age 53, I was bored and went to the local batting cage to hit some baseballs. Why? I just wanted a non-traditional workout... and to see if the place from my youth was still there. It was, and it was bigger and better than I remembered - game room, snack bar, picnic area and go-kart track.

The place had - and still has - a slow-pitch softball batting cage and baseball cages rated as Slow, Medium and Fast. I bought a bunch of tokens to feed the pitching machines with the intention of making my way to the fast cage. I started with slow-pitch softball. I ended in the Fast cage.

I am a righty and bat left-handed. I don't know why, but people comment on it when they see me throw a ball right-handed and bat left-handed. I progressed that evening from slow to medium to fast.

In the Fast cage, with some embarassment and some pride, I attracted an audience hitting line drives up the middle, bombs to right and then, getting tired, slapping line drives to left. What? No one can handle the fast cage? Major league pitchers throw 90+. I can't handle 80+, or less?

Physics

To hit a fast pitch, you have to be quick to the pitch. I know how to hit a fastball. It's simple really.

Grip the bat lightly. A tight grip tenses the muscles and slows you down.

Knees should be slightly bent and you should feel comfortable.

You can wiggle the bat around but everything is calm and still as the pitch is thrown.

Your batting stance should feel comfortable but you want your hands back to be able to drive through the ball. With hands back, you're coiled and ready and fast.

Now the secret to hitting a fastball: Turn the heel of your back foot outwards.

If you were to practice this in a mirror, holding something, pretending like you're about to hit a pitch, as you turn your back heel outward, it forces you to turn your whole body to the pitch. You are quicker to the ball. And, you haven't even started your swing. The hands and arms follow.

When you're in the Fast cage, most people try to swing fast. Wrong. You need to turn fast. When broadcasters say, "He really turned on that fastball", that is what they mean.

Now, why wasn't I ever a great baseball player?

Well, there's this thing called a curveball.

First Paycheck

2010-08-13T20:41:00.003-04:00

It's another late night. My haircut was delayed a half an hour and I was rolling out of New York New Wave around 8:00 PM. I have to deposit the first paycheck from my new job. Why? There's $42.98 in my checking account.

The Citibank drive-up kiosk at the local strip mall is still abandoned - for the second year now - but all the lights are on and nobody's home. When are they going to put back the ATM machines?

The main branch is in the mall. Just a little walk to get there, swipe in, pull the door at the buzz and look for a deposit ticket. There are no deposit tickets.

The eight slots underneath the countertop in the ATM area (the main bank is closed) are chock full of "Substitute Payment" tickets. What the heck is a substitute payment? I know what a payment ticket is... the distant cousin of a deposit ticket but, what the heck is a "substitute" payment ticket? I have been going to Citibank for 30 years. Whose idea was this? And why are there no damn "deposit" tickets?

I rifled through all eight slots looking for a deposit ticket - twice, finally throwing my hands up in the air, the scene being preserved for all time on the video surveillance system.

This is the Complaint Department. Banks and bankers are the bain of my existence and have combined to almost - almost - ruin my and our way of life in these United States. And we bailed them out to boot. We, as in We The People.

More importantly, where are the damn deposit tickets? And why are you bankers still keeping pens on chains. What? You think we're all thiefs? Here's an idea. Put a hundred pens out with the name of the bank on them for all to use. Some people will keep them. But, I have two words for you: Free advertising.

Hard Boiled Eggs

2010-08-12T00:50:00.002-04:00

I told you how to make rice. Now, hard boiled eggs?

Put as many eggs as you want into a large saucepan or pot.

Add water until the eggs are covered by about an inch of water.

Put pot on high heat and bring to a boil.

Take off the heat and let sit for 15 minutes.

Put the pot, water and eggs under cold running water in the sink for three minutes to stop the cooking.

If you follow this technique, you will find the shell comes off much easier and the yolk will not have that ugly dark gray covering from overcooking.

V8

2010-08-11T23:02:00.005-04:00

Tonight, the V8 commercial proclaimed, "Only vegetables can give you vegetable nutrition."

To that you could also say, "Only cheesecake can give you cheescake nutrition."

As far as V8 juice with its absurd amount of sodium per serving and whatever nutrition it might have, I will say that it does go very well with vodka.

Only vodka can give you... ah, nevermind.

Steven Slater

2010-08-11T21:33:00.002-04:00

I think we're all familiar with the story of this flight attendant quitting his job in spectacular fashion. Since, he has been elevated to folk hero status. I have a different take.

Before his profanity laced tirade on the plane's speaker system, Mr. Slater was openly drinking beer. Only after he was drunk enough did he decide to curse out the passengers, release the inflatable emergency slide and leave the plane via that route. So, we're talking public drunkenness.

The inflatable slide is released via pressure in excess of 3000 pounds per square inch. Anyone on the ground could have been injured or killed by that force. So, we're talking reckless endangerment.

He drove home impaired with a beer he swiped from the plane's galley. So, we're talking about driving under the influence.

The emergency slide costs about $25,000 to replace. So, we're talking about destruction of company property.

Once the emergency slide was released, that plane was grounded and there had to be 100's of passengers around the country who had their flights delayed or canceled because Mr. Slater singlehandedly took a Jet Blue plane out of service.

Folk hero?

I think the thing that pisses me off the most about this retard is that he threw away his job in an economy in which friends of mine are out of work and some who have been for over a year.

Rice

2010-08-09T09:45:00.000-04:00

I like watching cooking contest shows like Top Chef, Chopped and Hell's Kitchen.

Time and time again - under pressure - professional chefs ruin the rice. The rice is too hard , or it's like mush.

Great chefs are geniuses. Maybe the problem with great chefs and rice is akin to Albert Einstein having problems with simple math.

Ignore the instructions on the bag or box of rice which always have you boil the water first. Do it like this.

In a two quart ceramic or stainless steel pot, add one cup rice and 1-3/4 cups water together with one tablespoon butter and one tablespoon salt. Cover the pot and cook on medium high heat until the water starts to boil. Then, back the temperature down to a low, simmer setting.

Keep covered. Don't lift the lid. Don't stir.

When it looks like all the water has been completely absorbed - 15 to 20 minutes from the point boiling started - take the pot off the heat. Just before serving, stir to separate all the kernels.

As far as adding spices and other ingredients, rice is like a blank canvas. Almost anything goes. Some classic additions:

Salt and pepper
Cardamon
Saffron
Curry
Rice wine vinegar - sushi rice
Soy sauce
Paprika and cayenne pepper
Chopped cilantro and lime juice
Drained, rinsed black beans
Peas
Chopped tomato, onion, cucumber and garlic
Fried bits of ham or pork

Idiots With Metal Detectors

2010-08-07T12:12:00.003-04:00

It was another glorious morning at the beach. Here and there, weaving in and between half-naked people on blankets and in chairs were fully clothed people with metal detectors. I have seen this activity during every beach visit recently and at different beaches. Who are these people?

You could say these people are enjoying what is essentially high-tech beachcombing. You could say that beachcombing on a quiet beach in the morning is a harmless, Zen-like activity ...or... you could say that someone looking like the Unabomber, swinging a heavy metal object emitting radio frequency near my head is a semi-retarded, mouth-breathing moron annoying some and a nuisance to many.

Picture a crowded beach with singles, couples and families every few feet. What sense does it make to sweep an area when most of the area is inhabited? Why not do this at night, or real early in the morning?

“Oh no. No one would see how cool I am with my big, shiny, counter-weighted, metal detector (and scoop – don’t forget about the scoop that looks like a giant flour sifter) and my scientific sweeping pattern to cover the most area in the least time and my treasure-trove of single earrings and loose change.”

Two words come to mind: Lonely, pathetic losers. Okay, that’s three words.

I picture these idiots going back home to the trailer park in their minivans with their canvas sack full of metallic junk celebrating with Budweisers and falling into a drunken coma.

What are the hopes and dreams of people with metal detectors? Do they dream every day of that big find – the discovery that will make them rich – or at least get them published in “Metal Detector Times?” Who gives a crap?

“Hey, listen to that beep pattern. That could be a Civil War Indian Head Penny 6 feet below the surface! Nothing recent would be that deep!

Damn… It’s a bottle cap.”

“Holy Moses! Do you hear that? This could be the big one! I read about those sounds. This could be a gold doubloon! The signal is so strong! Only gold gives that signal!

Damn… it’s the lid from a pickle jar.”

So, to all you lonely dreamers with metal detectors: Give a wide berth to the angry looking guy with the mustache, cool shades and Yankee cap next time you’re at the beach.

Why Subway Sucks

2010-08-06T21:46:00.003-04:00

Forget the wilted lettuce and tomato. Forget the gray roast beef. Forget the cooked eggs shrinkwrapped in plastic and then microwaved. Forget wondering why every franchise seems to have been sold to people not born in this country. Today, I give you the Subway Breakfast Muffin Melt. Any Breakfast Muffin Melt plus 16 0z. Coffee - $2.50. That's what the sign on the wall says. It's a good deal, right?

Three subways and three times I ordered the steak, egg and cheese muffin melt. Two times that sign was not honored, and the other, I was made to feel like the owner was doing me a favor.

One owner said he ran out of English Muffins and then put on a show with the teenage counter clerk blaming her for not telling him they were out of muffins. The teenager looked at him incredulously and then the story was how the delivery should have occurred the day before. I walked out hungry and late for work.

Another one said the special did not apply to any muffin melt with steak. I said the sign didn't say that. He repeated himself. I walked out.

The third guy said the same thing and I mentioned the sign that said ANY MUFFIN MELT... etc., etc. Well, he started whirling around looking up and down saying "Sign? What sign?"

Dude, the one right behind you. He said, "Boss, I tell you what, I do it for you, no problem." Ah, gee, thanks.

Now I grew up in a Greek culture with Greek businessmen for who the idea of giving away something to grow the business made as much sense as setting yourself on fire to stay warm. I am Greek and I will tell you, Greeks throw nickels around like manhole covers.

In the NY metro area, again, the Subway shops - like the gas stations and 7-11's - are predominantly owned by people with accents. I have no problem with that, but... when you come from a foreign country with $500,000 or more to buy a franchise means you came from wealth. Coming from wealth, the idea of promotions and selling product at cost to drum up business is as foreign to them as their accent is to me.

Subway still has the $5.00 footlongs, but it now applies to one less sandwich than before. I saw the sign. One less footlong for $5.00, no doubt due to pressure from the franchisees.

Let's talk about the fresh baked bread. They have like five or six varieties - all flavorless. In a blind taste test I dare anyone to identify the parmesan herb bread versus the whole wheat.

Let's talk about Jarrod or whatever fatso's name is and Subway's "health" factor. Yes, some of their sandwiches are low in fat - like the turkey, chicken or ham - provided you don't like cheese, mayonnaise or dressing of any kind and you are happy with a six inch hero on puffy bread with no taste. But, the tuna hero? The pastrami? The steak and cheese? That's what people order and they are all heavy on the fat calories. Plus, Subway sells potato chips and cookies to round out your "meal."

So why did I ever go there anyway? I bought the hype. I liked the price. But now that I can't get what I want for the price, I can no longer put up with the tasteless bread and the grayish meats and wilted vegetables coming out of bags.

Eat fresh my butt.

Software Development - Final Chapter

2010-08-04T21:45:00.005-04:00

We're going to abbreviate and combine the rest of what was mentioned in the original post because a) I am cranky and tired and b), even for me, this is boring stuff.

User Acceptance

Let's briefly cover the user acceptance phase of the software development life cycle (SDLC).

Everything could have been designed and coded according to "spec", but "they" - the users - don't like it. In fact, they hate it.

The navigation through the screens may not be intuitive. Critical information may not be displayed prominently. Not everybody may know all the codes and acronyms used by the business, so look-ups are needed. The verbiage on error messages may be clear to programmers - but not to the people actually using the application.

User acceptance and sign-off is key. We (developers) have to please the audience. They are our customers.

Database Administration

Let's talk about database administration. That is a highfalutin term but nothing could be more important.

To put it another way, if you build complexity into the database via joins, views, triggers and stored procedures, you only have to build some very simple programs. These are good things.

Consistent table and column naming conventions, and a normalized design, make my job so much easier. A solid database design is like a solid foundation and blueprint for a house. You have to have it. How else can you build a house without those things?

Now some theory.

Normalization refers to "a place for everything and everything in its place." If you want to get theoretical, Google Edgar Codd.

If I may digress - and I will - JD Edwards is a big, enterprise-wide software package that can be used by almost any business. Yet - their primary file (table) called Address Book - has record types for customers, employees and vendors. Oops. You just broke a primary rule of normalization and design. You have employee data co-mingling with customer data and so on.

Remember, a place for everything and everything in its place. Customers may have information that employees do not need. This results in wasted space. Employees do not need customer categories for example, so that is wasted in every employee record. Put it another way, all the customer categories are blank for employees.

Ah, customer categories: The JD Edwards "Address Book" has like 30 customer categories. What if I need 31? I am screwed. So, therein lies the problem with repeating data elements. You can change all critical software to recognize a category 31, or just break out a table that defines all possible customer categories, one record per category, thereby allowing unlimited combination's that all software can use without modification.

A foreign key is a piece of data in a secondary table that refers to a primary table. Example: The Order Table - where all customer orders are kept - include the customer number. The Order Table has to have this piece of data so we can go to the Customer Master and get the customer's name and address for the invoice.

Wait a second. Are you telling me your order tables repeat name and address information that is the same as in the customer master table? Oops. We just broke another rule of normalization. Database normalization is a place for everything and everything in one unique place.

Are you with me? This brings us to referential integrity - which is a theoretical term that really means, "Things have to be in sync."

Let's suppose one of our customers has reincorporated under a new name or that our company has been acquired and we have to change all of our numbers to the parent company's number.

With referential integrity, if I was to change customer 123 to number 456, I would expect a cascade of changes to update the order tables, accounts receivable tables, invoice tables, shipping tables and history tables with the new customer number, 456. This would be a truly relational database. If you need programs to make those changes or enforce rules, then you still have not reached the promised land.

The DBA (Database Administrator) takes care of these things.

Respect your Database Administrator. He is your friend.

Dear Mom

2010-08-03T21:54:00.003-04:00

The boy is doing all right. I got a job. The slings and arrows bounce off.

I still cook your food. And, I wish you could have tasted my spicy stir fry tonight. Would you have hated it?

I still love you.

I miss you.

Fishing

2010-07-21T14:29:00.004-04:00

Only recently have I been hooked - pun intended - on fishing.

Growing up, there was this desire to party and celebrate anything - sometimes into the early morning. As we get older, we realize you can't live like that forever. Reality dictates that now, in our thirties, forties or fifties - or older - we're getting up to go to work at 6:00 AM, rather than getting home.

Therapists may chime in but it seems we replace these old habits and desires with other "highs" - and what is more primitive and satisfying than getting a fish on the line... bringing it home, filleting it, lightly flouring it, seasoning, frying and consuming it?

Have you ever had really fresh fish where the the eye is clear (not cloudy) and there is no fishy smell? For me, that is reason enough to fish.

Fishing can become a real jones. This jones costs money. But is the money better spent on a surfcasting rod, reel, hooks, lures and bait - or things that aren't good for you?. You decide.

The guy at the store told me it was like throwing a baseball. The first time I tried to surfcast, the end of the line landed in the sand. With a little rhthym, raring back and then throwing, I finally launched the bait into the water.

The bait I used was clam meat. This is what I did a million years ago as a kid when I caught a fluke in the bay - my first fish.

Call it beginner's luck. I got a hit! Man, this felt like I was reeling in a monster - or a maybe a piece of driftwood.

I got myself wet in the already warm early summer ocean. I unhooked this fish, a "small" Striped Bass, almost two feet long... and let it go. I didn't think it was legal size. Who would have known at 7:00 AM in the morning at Smith Point beach in New York? Me. That's who.

Besides, I didn't go fishing to conquer and reduce my food budget. I went just to be at the beach, enjoy the early morning sun and have all thoughts and cares pounded away by the crashing surf.

Priceless.

But I need some new lures and hooks. Not priceless.

Software Development Part 5

2010-07-18T17:52:00.002-04:00

Change Management Software

Forget about SOX compliance. Most people think CMS falls under the category of too many cooks spoiling the broth. CMS is more than just something that keeps programmers from stepping on each other's changes or automating routine programmer tasks.

In software development there has to be this steady march of programs from development, through Q/A, user testing, user acceptance and production. Any one of these phases in the software development lifecycle might have a slightly different version of any one program. This is the real power and control you have with CMS.

Change management software can be as complex and as expensive as any computer application there is, but you want it to do some essential things:

Backup source code at every stage of the software development lifecycle, i.e, versioning
Enforce that only one developer has the right to change a program in any one environment
Move and archive source code from one environment to the next
Move source code backwards if necessary when there are problems
Reinforce or revoke a programmer's right to change source code on a backwards move
Be able merge or remove changes as necessary on a very complex project
Track resources, time and effort
Provide analytics and change history to management

If somehow you or someone else lost source code; if someone unknowingly copied in their version of a program "clobbering" yours; if your table specifications were overlaid; if your company needed several changes to a program in the pipeline at once to save time; you wish your shop had change management software. If yours does not, the next time something goes drastically wrong, think about how CMS would have just paid for itself.

It's a beautiful thing.